Nigel Farage will now have to compete for space at the bar with comedian Al Murray, who has announced he will stand for Parliament in South Thanet, as The Pub Landlord for the Free United Kingdom Party.
FUKP’s manifesto contains many ‘common sense policies’ similar to those we’ve heard before from the Pub Landlord. Here’s how he will offer the voters of South Thanet a bold alternative to the mainstream (and alternative) political parties:
- The pound in your pocket: The pound will be revalued at one pound 10p, so it will now be worth 10p more. Common sense.
- The NHS: If you come to A&E and it’s neither an accident nor an emergency then you will be sent to a random hospital department to be practised on. Common sense.
- Foreign Policy: Germany has been too quiet for too long. Just saying.
- Immigration: Of course the reason they are coming here is because this is the greatest country in the world. The only way to stop them is for a government to change that and make things a whole lot worse. Look no further. However, in the meantime, we brick up the Channel Tunnel. With British bricks. Probably have to get some Poles in to do it. Common sense.
- Education: I believe the children are the future and there’s no way you’ll get me knocking teachers. Teachers are on the front line, coalface. Doing their bit to create a level playing field for our kids, although I’m not sure they’re going about it the right way by making sure none of the kids can read and write. So instead of a postcode lottery a new improved Street Raffle will determine which schools your kids get in to. Common sense.
- Scotland: Alex Salmond to be made First Minister for Norwich, so he can get to understand what being ignored by the rest of the country is really like. Common sense.
- Europe: I pledge that the UK will leave Europe by 2025 and the edge of the Solar System by 2050. Common market sense. In the meantime Greece to be bought and operated by Kent County Council. Couldn’t be worse. Someone to do the bins at least.
- The environment: Boris Johnson to be put on an island. He keeps saying that’s what he wants.
- Corporations and Globalisation: Blah blah blah blah blah paradigm blah blah blah, blah blah dialectic blah blah blah blah blah blah game-changer.
- Homes for hard working families: Build some houses but without bringing down house prices. How hard can it be?
- Defence: National Service, but only for people who don’t want to do it.
- Law and Order: Unemployment causes crime: I propose to lock up the unemployed. Common sense.
- On Local issues: South Thanet to be made the new capital of the UK. Demilitarised zone to set-up between North and South Thanet.
As the first stunt of the 2015 campaign, Murray’s candidacy is sure to disrupt Farage’s efforts as well as confuse voters. Ukip lost thousands of votes to similarity named parties in the last European elections and FUKP may do the same in South Thanet. Farage is taking the challenge in good spirits, telling Guido ‘finally a serious opponent in South Thanet’.
Farage’s chosen seat was already set to be flooded with politicos and the media; The Pub Landlord’s presence will only raise South Thanet’s profile on election night — particularly if he managed to beat the Lib Dems (the bookies already have him on 66/1 to win the seat vs. 100/1 for the LDs). Murray may have a motive for this particular aim: he attacked Nick Clegg in October for name checking The Pub Landlord during his conference speech.
Comments