Last week, Carl Elsener of Victorinox, makers of the Swiss Army knife (all other manufacturers must refer to their products as ‘Swiss-style knives’), announced that the company is working to develop a knife without any blades in anticipation of modern legislation and safety-conscious consumers. A cutting-edge Swiss Army knife will no longer have a cutting edge.
I’m glad this proposal didn’t come out before Christmas: 2023 was the year my wife finally agreed our son could have a knife of his own. She has friends who won’t let their children wash up knives in case they injure themselves, but let them watch YouTube unsupervised. My son and I were firmly of the view that all small boys should have a Swiss Army knife – as advised in paragraph one of The Dangerous Book for Boys, where it tops the list of ‘Essential Kit’, above even a really good marble or a pencil and paper to write down the car numbers of criminals. Apart from the Swiss flag, which is a big plus, you never knew when you might need to loosen a screw or open a wine bottle. The only thing he has yet to find a single purpose for is the ‘multipurpose hook’ on the back – most guides to the knife suggest it can be used to carry packages tied up with string, but they’re not one of his favourite things. He is saving the fish-scaling tool until Halloween, as he’s heard that it’s perfect for carving pumpkins.
The Swiss Army has always been confident of victory – when the Kaiser asked what its 250,000 soldiers could do if Germany invaded with an army of half a million, a member of the militia replied, ‘Shoot twice, then go home’ – but including a corkscrew in their standard kit always seemed slightly cocky.
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