Theresa May always had a camp appeal. The clumsiness, the dancing, the incredible squareness. Mrs Thatcher never took that crown – she had too much of a hard edge – though it was a surprise to me to discover that Australians and Americans saw only the hair and the handbags and made her that most tedious and reductive of things: a gay icon.
Bantering podcasts are now an essential part of public rehabilitation
But unlike Thatcher, May had a dissociation from reality not only about trivialities but also about the really important stuff. Her recent declaration that she is ‘woke and proud’ is typical of her. It’s almost gloriously out-of-touch, and her adoption of it surely means the end of that tired ‘well if that means I’m a nice person, guilty as charged!’ meme. According to her and Ruth Davidson in their recent chat, woke just means ‘alert to injustice’. It simply hasn’t occurred to May that everybody thinks they are alert to injustice. And that even if they don’t think it, they certainly claim it.
This naivety and dislocation would be quite funny in anyone but a former prime minister. And yet May is just the latest politician to rebrand their delusional ineptitude into loveable klutziness – with the aid of a willing public. All she needs is a podcast partner to complete her transformation.
Bantering podcasts are now an essential part of public rehabilitation. The latest entry to the ranks are George Osborne and Ed Balls, doing the ‘what times we had pal, eh’ routine. Not very long ago Osborne was oozing oil over the despatch box and Balls was pulling a ‘you what mate, come over ‘ere and say that again’ face (not entirely convincing in a former Nottingham High school pupil). Turns out that was all theatre.
These newfound friendships have the same agreeable jolt as finding out that actors who play deadly enemies on screen are friends in real life. It seemed to kick off with Blair and Major hobnobbing before the EU referendum; a tactic that was, I think, calculated to make people go ‘aaaah’. And yes, it is nice to see, like the cast taking a bow at the end of a panto. I’m sure it’s pleasant for those involved to patch things up, particularly as they get older. It boosts the self-esteem to make a chum of an opponent, to wonder if perhaps one isn’t such a disagreeable sod after all.
But this can tip over from agreeable forgiveness to amnesia. The perky teens who marched against the invasion of Iraq in 2003 are now in their late thirties and keen listeners of Alastair Campbell on The Rest is Politics. These are people who have succumbed to that peculiar syndrome ‘Stick an EU flag on anything and it must be okay then’.
In this spirit of podcast reconciliation and rehabilitation, why stop there? How about The Rest is Tilling? E.F. Benson’s Mapp and Lucia finally bury the hatchet, live from Shakespeare’s Garden with ‘un poco Mozartino’ as the theme tune. Or The Rest is Ventriloquism, with Orville and Cuddles – ‘I used to hate that duck, but now I find we have a lot in common when it comes to supply side economic reforms and attracting inward investment’.
And who wouldn’t tune in for The Rest is Gallifrey with Dr Who and Davros? Imagine the seamless sponsorship bumpers. ‘I travel through time and space but I can never find the time or the space to cook healthy delicious meals. Now Hello Fresh deliver straight to the Tardis door every week’. Or ‘The constant failure of my plans made me very depressed – but now, thanks to BetterHelp, I receive regular texts from credentialed therapists telling me to hold on to my dream of total galactic extermination.’
The irony here is that actual major differences of character and opinion, debated through in long form, would be fascinating to hear. A podcast with, say, Thatcher and Tony Benn would’ve been riveting, as well as historically priceless.
But soft centre mulch is where the form seems to be settling. I don’t like making predictions, but I guarantee you the Sunak/Starmer podcast is on its way, sometime in the not-too-distant future. ‘Hello there “Captain Hindsight”!’ ‘Well, if it isn’t “Inaction Man!”’ For all the great display of difference these two very similar men are currently making, they might as well start it up now.
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