Jaspistos

Bizarre books

Bizarre books

In Competition No. 2378 you were invited to supply an extract from a book entitled either How to Fire an Employee or How to Fill Mental Cavities.

How not to fire an employee was once demonstrated by my friend H, a timid, kindly American publisher who was determined to get rid of a rebarbative member of staff. Hoping that alcohol would fuel his courage, he invited the doomed man to lunch. The brandy was being drunk and H felt the strength welling up in him when the victim leant forward, aimed his finger at H and announced waggishly, ‘You’re fired!’ A year afterwards, visiting New York, I learnt that he was still in the job.

The first title I offered you was, not surprisingly, published in Beverly Hills, the second, less predictably, in Bicester. The prizewinners, printed below, get £30, except for Niall Macdonald, who gets an extra fiver for his Machiavellian contribution.

How the Prince may rid himself of an overweening Purse-bearer.

It is comfortable to bask in the glory of this assiduous servant’s work, but no one should be so close as to enjoy privy dinners and thereafter cause tales of compacts and promises of succession to be spread.

The Prince could have him killed, but the common people, content though they are with their processed bread and electronic circuses, may be stirred to rise by pamphleteers, more especially if the Prince has been seen to persecute unjust wars or levy oppressive taxes.

A better stratagem is to heap praises on the victim and increase his task without greater powers. Then appoint another with similar responsibilities so that the Purse-bearer consumes his energies with internecine warfare until at last, exhausted, he quits his post.

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