Bob Geldof is an unconventional Zoom host

I experienced my first Zoom conference last week, and didn’t think much of it. As the great Yogi Berra once remarked, ‘You can observe a lot by just watching,’ but in my case I observed very little and heard quite a lot. I suppose that one day every meeting will be conducted Zoom-style, but I bet my bottom dollar they’ll never be as preposterous as the annual Pugs Club get-together.

As everyone knows, Pugs is the world’s most exclusive club, by a long shot. It once had 21 members, but we lost Christopher Lee, and then our president, Nick Scott, and our commodore, Tim Hoare. Pugs has neither a purpose nor a motto, and was dreamed up by Scott as he recuperated from a massive hangover on my boat off a Greek island 15 years ago. Members include a maharaja, a couple of royal princes, some German nobles, a major Greek ship owner, a few American billionaires based in Europe, Bob Geldof, Roger Taylor, yours truly and a Harbour Island-born native whose weight zooms up and down, by the name of Arki.

The Zoom meeting was called by the secretary general-treasurer, Bob Geldof, who opened it by issuing a general reprimand, then demanded payment for dues not due, fending off criticism by some members that he has never paid his own. As he put it: ‘And I never will, so go and fuck yourselves.’ This set a pattern: Bob was rude to members who dared interrupt him, and proposed that old men (me) be expelled, Germans (Fürstenberg, Bismarck, Sachs) be made to pay triple because of the war and the Maharaja of Jodhpur charged quadruple because of Amritsar.

Furthermore, he declared that the four Greek members should renounce their citizenship and apply for Turkish papers (in order to keep the Aegean peaceful while he scrounges for a cruise).