Last night former prime minister Boris Johnson hosted his official book launch for new memoir ‘Unleashed’. The ex-Tory leader welcomed former colleagues and allies to the London launch on Tuesday evening, which was complete with a book signing ahead of the tome’s publication date this week. Never one to resist a dig at his political opponents, Johnson opened with a quick quip at the current Prime Minister:
[My publisher] Arabella here has commissioned, for a princely sum of £18,000 in advance, [Keir Starmer] to write his vision for Britain. And, of course, he strained and strained – to be completely unable to come up with anything. And so, my friends, he has done an astonishing thing. He handed the money back. And that is why Mr Harper and Mr Collins can afford to have this party tonight – because of Keir Starmer’s totally uncharacteristic decision to hand back a donation. So cheers, Keir!
Shots fired! Going on in what was not exactly an exercise in modesty, the ex-premier added: ‘It grieves me in a way to see what’s going on in politics today. I feel it would be much better if I was to run the show.’ Quelle surprise.
If only thing had ‘gone the other way on a tiny handful of random events,’ Johnson sighed, lamenting:
If only Dylan the dog had not so rudely rogered the leg of one of my senior advisors. If only I had realised thereafter that relations had permanently broken down. If only I’d come to that realisation earlier. If only I had not gone out to an excessively convivial dinner with Charles Moore and others after the triumphant UK chairmanship of COP26. Then I would have read in more detail the packs and stuff. If only my friend Chris Pincher had not allowed his hand to wander freely. If only, above all, a certain short-sighted pangolin had not made a pass at a bat in a cave in Wuhan, or possibly a lab, or wherever it went.
Everything’s clearer with hindsight…
And turning once more on his party’s competitors, BoJo fumed that when he was in charge, ‘Reform was zero, or thereabouts.’ He went on: ‘We would have won the 2024 election… We would have been able to say that we saved this country from an insane Marxist Labour party.’ Crikey. Johnson added thoughtfully: ‘This event would now be taking place slap bang in the middle of the honeymoon of the second Johnson term.’ The man can certainly dream.
Not that everything would have been rosier, however. ‘There is only one downside to this scenario, ladies and gentleman,’ Boris concluded to the crowd gravely. ‘The literary masterpiece. If that were so, there would be no “Unleashed”.’ Good heavens. Wherever would we find ourselves then, eh?
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