Britain's best one-liners, from Oxford's 2013 edition

Modest about our national pride — and inordinately proud of our national modesty.

—Ian Hislop

I always invest in companies an idiot could run, because one day one will.

—Warren Buffett

I find it easy to portray businessmen. Being bland, rather cruel and incompetent comes naturally to me.

—John Cleese

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realise I should have been more specific.

—Lily Tomlin

I don’t work that way …. The very idea that all children want to be cuddled by a complete stranger I find completely amazing.

—Anne, Princess Royal

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.

—Garrison Keillor

On nudity
The part never calls for it. And I’ve never, ever used that excuse. The box-office calls for it.

—Helen Mirren

Football is a simple game: 22 men chase a ball for 90 minutes and at the end the Germans win.

—Gary Lineker

Most popular

Alexander Larman

What is Prince Harry doing in China?

I’m the kind of person who embarks on an endless leapfrog down the great moral issues. I put a position, rebut it, refute the rebuttal and rebut the refutation. Endlessly.

—Tom Stoppard

Sex has never been an obsession with me. It’s just like eating a bag of crisps. Quite nice, but nothing marvellous.

—Boy George

I don’t know what art is, but I do know what it isn’t. And it isn’t someone walking around with a salmon over his shoulder or embroidering the name of everyone they have slept with on the inside of a tent.

—Brian Sewell

Wherever there is suffering, injustice and oppression the Americans will show up, six months late, and bomb the country next to where it is happening.

—P.J. O’Rourke

Good God! I have never drunk a vintage that started with the number two before!

—Nicholas Soames

I got into moisturiser when I played football. If you’re out in all weathers you have to take care of your face.

—Vinnie Jones

I treat opinion polls with a pinch of sugar.

—Ed Miliband

The marvellous thing about a joke with a double meaning is that it can only mean one thing.

—Ronnie Barker

There are moments when we in the British press can show extraordinary sensitivity; these moments usually coincide with the death of a proprietor, or a proprietor’s wife.

—Craig Brown

If I am doing nothing, I like to be doing nothing to some purpose.