Competition | 10 January 2009

In Competition No. 2577 you were invited to supply definitions of five types of anything you chose. As the eagle-eyed among you will have spotted, Jaspistos set an almost identical assignment a few years ago, inspired by Sydney Smith’s six types of handshake. On that occasion, Noel Petty scooped the bonus fiver for his definition of six ways of sitting down. Here is a snippet: ‘the “block-and-tackle”, when the full weight is taken by the arms and the body very slowly lowered into position, accompanied by the somewhat otiose information that the subject is not as young as he used to be’.
This time round, Adrian Fry nets the extra fiver. His fellow prizewinners, printed below, get £30 each.

Cough
The Katherine Mansfield: slight and breathy, this customarily female cough is put to best use in films and plays where it represents the romantically fascinating thin end of terminal illness, though it is also heard from malingering workers telephoning in sick.
 Voxish: any cough sounding like someone saying ‘Ahem!’ Used to informally call meetings to the point at which they can be called formally to order, give egomaniacs the opportunity to fill silences during classical recitals or disguise the breaking of wind.
Wet guffaw: expansive, phlegmy masterpiece invariably favoured by the person sitting next to you in a doctor’s waiting room or by rural pub ‘characters’.
The Dog: that deep, terrible whooping reminiscent of an enraged Alsatian imprisoned in an outhouse.
The Guff-chew: evolves swiftly from cough to almost orgasmic sneeze, especially beloved of advertisers wishing to demonstrate the need for double-action remedies.
Adrian Fry

Apologies
The apology grandio-gestural fashionably employed by politicians on behalf of a people whose ancestors failed to foresee how history would regard their activities. (Key word ‘apologise’: ‘sorry’ would sound embarrassingly personal.)