Competition | 14 March 2009

In Competition No. 2586 you were invited to submit a convincing apology, on behalf of the banking industry, for the financial meltdown.

Overall, the standard was high. Basil Ransome-Davies went into contrition overdrive, managing to cram no fewer than 16 impressively insincere-sounding instances of the word ‘sorry’ into his entry. By ‘sorry’ number seven I was ready to forgive anything. But while Basil seemed to go on and on, William Danes-Volkov kept it brief, making the point that, as a banker’s apology is bound to be short, if not non-existent, the haiku is the most appropriate form:

Money fell like leaves
Yours was swept, piled and burned
My bonus is safe.
Honourable mentions go to Tom Durrheim, Bill Greenwell, Jim Hayes, Martin Elster, Elizabeth Emerk and Sarah Hill, while the winners, printed below, are rewarded with £25 each. The extra fiver goes to Noel Petty’s spluttering semi-apology.

It is the function of a bank —
— and here I’ll be completely frank —
To borrow short and lend out long.
Which works, until it all goes wrong
when clients — why, it’s hard to say —
decide they can no longer pay.
So banks, one might say, played a role
in digging us into this hole.

And yes, I’m sorry things transpired
a bit less helpful than desired,
and I’ll go further: I regret
the sudden surge in public debt.
The moaners have indeed a case,
but look at what I have to face —
the toughest task you could devise:
I … aargh … apol … apologise!
Noel Petty

Five stages of repentance
Are needed for a crime;
It never is enough to say:
‘It seemed right at the time.’

The feeling and its statement
Are first and second stage;
The next is to forego all gain,
However hard to gauge.

The fourth stage of repentance
Is counting what we’ve earned,
With all the profits we have gained
To their first source returned.