Lucy Vickery presents this week’s Competition
In Competition No. 2705 you were invited to submit an updated version of Betjeman’s ‘How to Get on in Society’.
Sir John’s lampooning of suburban pretenders whose attempts to transcend their class served only to root them more firmly in it was his contribution to the U/Non-U debate that raged in the 1950s, sparked by Alan Ross and fuelled by Nancy Mitford.
Their 21-century heirs and their aspirations were, on the whole, mercilessly and magnificently mocked. The winners scoop £25 each. Martin Parker bags the bonus fiver.
Top up my spray tan, Darren,
then phone up Hello! and OK
and gold-plate the taps in the toilet.
The Beckhams are coming to stay!
I’ve just origamied the Andrex.
Have I time for another tattoo
in spurious Chinese, with dragons,
or maybe a blatant FU?
I’ve had my nails covered in glitter
and my eyelids and midriff as well.
My extensions are almost the shade of my hair
which is rigid with Superdrug gel.
But it’s hard for a girl to look ‘current’
when Manolos are something she lacks
and her nipple ring’s only nine carat
and it’s hours since she last had a wax.
We’re calling our next daughter Harper,
Or Tamburlaine if it’s a boy;
One really must use one’s discretion
For a plain name is certain to cloy.
This season we jet to the Maldives,
Exclusive, expensively chic;
Our first choice turned into a war zone
And we’ve already done Mozambique.
Reg is in line for promotion,
To my mind, deservedly so;
New Mercedes and index-linked pension,
After which, I presume, CEO.
Harry’s happy as Larry with Barry,
Jocasta’s an item with Fi;
While I barely condone such arrangements
They’re fashionably c’est la vie.
The Kindle was left in the rain, dear,
The Proust and Ayn Rand are no more.
The Art of Foam Cooking has gone in a flash.
We will have to use books! What a bore!
Your organic wine was delivered
By a man with a horse and a cart.