In Competition No. 2605 you were invited to compose an anthem for a county of your choice. Some competitors played it straight but many chose to subvert the anthem’s traditional fawning tone. Northants, in particular, got it in the neck, with Greg Whitehead (who lives there) and John Brown (who doesn’t) struggling to find a redeeming feature between them.
The postbag been swelled in recent months by a welcome influx of entrants from the US. They were out in force this week, casting an often caustic eye o’er the land of the free and the home of the brave.
A lot of entries read well on the page but I couldn’t imagine them being sung anthemically. On the home front, William Danes-Volkov’s submission had the feel of a protest song and I could envisage lusty, alcohol-fuelled renditions in the pubs of Kent. I also enjoyed Mary Holtby’s rousing tribute to those proud counties that have been wiped from the administrative map. The winners, printed below, are rewarded with £25 each. The extra fiver goes to G.M. Davis.
I was sad to hear that Keith Norman, a regular presence on these pages over the years, has died. His wit and skill will be much missed.
Where tourist pounds perfume the breeze,
Where Rick Stein rules o’er Padstow’s quays,
Where councils dream of parking fees —
Our land, Kernow!
How thick and clotted is our cream!
How dazzling our Rebecca theme!
How competent our PR team!
Lead on, Kernow!
All hail to our beloved prince
Whose Duchy sells organic mints
And cultivates the yellow quince
Here in Kernow!
We people of the south-west coast
Will rip you off, our proudest boast
To pay the least and charge the most.
Long live Kernow!
G.M. Davis
Give a cheer, no fear, for Tyne and Wear,
From Whitley Bay to Roker Pier,
There’s Geordies and Mackems living here,
We are the worst of friends.
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