In Competition No. 2614 you were invited to submit a press release by the tourist board of one of the following fictional holiday destinations: Lilliput; Wonderland; Oceania; Brave New World. The entry was split fairly evenly between the first three destinations, while the prospect of trying to entice visitors to what Huxley referred to as a ‘negative utopia’ left you cold. Well, not quite: a solitary cheerleader in the wilderness was Susan McLean, who made a spirited if ultimately unconvincing case for ‘a vacation from morality’. Lilliput and Wonderland were undoubtedly easier to sell than Oceania, but a doughty few pulled off the impressive feat of making Orwell’s totalitarian horrors sound like a compelling reason to book a trip.
I was charmed by Gail White’s puff for Lilliput, the weight-watcher’s dream destination: ‘Enjoy our fabulous restaurants. You won’t gain an ounce!’ And Juliet Walker, Gillian Ewing and John O’Byrne also impressed. The winners, printed below, get £30 each; Chris O’Carroll bags £35.
Last week, the first line of Tim Raikes’s winning entry was lost in transit. It should have read: ‘Edwina was so highly Sexed’.
For a holiday experience that towers above the rest, escape to this miniaturised island paradise, where our picturesquely petit natives take pride in their larger-than-life hospitality. There’s nothing diminutive about the good times you’ll enjoy as you eat your eggs any way you prefer in modern-day Lilliput, where venerable dining traditions, rigidly enforced in centuries past, have relaxed to accommodate foreign visitors who can barely distinguish the big and little ends of the internationally acclaimed delicacies produced by hens many times smaller than the average hummingbird. Unique recreational opportunities abound in this unforgettable bandbox getaway. Let your inner giant stand tall at our celebrated Fleet-Towing Invitational and our trousers-optional Firefighting Gala. Or stretch out on the beach and submit to the exotic delights of our renowned Ten Thousand Threads Bondage Festival. (Visitors are advised that all air and sea travel to and from Blefuscu has been suspended indefinitely.)
Chris O’Carroll
Exclusive to children — accessible by Underground — the ideal holiday hideaway which adventurous youngsters, tall or small, will fall for! Be ‘a-mazed’ while your parents doze at home like dormice. Feast on fabulous food ranging from Mock Turtle soup with bread and butter to succulent tarts, fit for a queen. Win guaranteed prizes in whacky races. Stick out your neck and play crazy croquet hogging the pitch and hedging your bets. Let the bodiless cat put a grin on your face. Be wowed by the babe who turns into a pig and swim in the popular ‘Pool of Tears’. Why fly all the way to ‘Down Under’ with ‘down under’ here on your doorstep? If the ‘hide-away holiday’ hat fits you, you’d be mad not to wear it. Wonderland beckons but hurry! The clock is ticking. Book early! Book now or ‘Oh dear, Oh dear,’ you’ll be too late!
Alan Millard
The Ministry of Tourism is to relax restrictions on flights into Airstrip One. If travellers are seeking a variation on the Mediterranean’s four ‘s’ attractions, this historic province provides Sunny Spells, Soothing Showers, Security and Surveillance. A new chain of state-owned hotels offers truly interactive television technology in each of its 101 rooms. Exciting ideas for the discerning holiday-maker include: sampling bean stew and boiled cabbage accompanied by a vintage gin; strolling through the picturesque Proles’ Quarter; group keep-fit; a doubleplusgood time learning Newspeak; and bargain-hunting for antiques. Residents Mr and Mrs Smith say, ‘A weekend here will radically change a visitor’s whole way of thinking.’ Consider our slogans: Abroad is Home, Rain is Sun, Work is Rest, and remember, this is the place for Party People.
P.S. Our exclusive two plus two formula allows five to stay for the price of four!
Derek Morgan
Visit Oceania for Hate Week, and party like it’s 1984!
Get your Outer Party in touch with your Inner Party at one of our Miniluv weekends, where, for a limited time, two proles can disappear for the price of one unperson at the fabulous Ministry of Love. Unremember, what happens in Room 101 stays in Room 101…. Each windowless suite contains miniplenty bar stocked with black bread and Victory gin and a 24-hour telescreen. Last month, a deal this low was a thought-crime! Next month — who knows? So, act doubleplus, speedwise — it’s not the only thing subject to elimination! Why torture yourself, when we’ll do everything for you?
I’m Big Brother: I’m back — and I’m watchin’.
Offer not valid in Eurasia, Eastasia, and parts of Airstrip 2. Terms subject to retroactive historical revision and memory hole …what?
Frank Osen
New for 2010: A Squiggly-cum-Dancing Festival on the seashore. A chance for holidaymakers to join professional partners to do a Dashing White Sergeant and any number of dances from the Conga Reel and Argentine Fan Tango to the Muzaka and the Viennese Whirl. Come on, every-body, let’s get ready to Rumba-ba! Or if it’s char-char you prefer, the spirit of the Mad Hatter’s Tea Party (unfortunately discontinued under dormouse protection legislation) lives on in the Off your Head Café (by appointment to the Queen of Hearts), decorated with prints by Screwloose-Lautrec, where the absolutely cuckoo clock says it’s always time for tea. Crackers, bananas and nuts (with or without fruitcake) are constantly on the go with a potty of tea, or you can order a picnic basket (minus one sandwich).
STOP PRESS: Feline lucky? Then enter our Spot-the-Cheshire-Cat competition. Snap that elusive smile for a fabulous prize.
W.J. Webster
No. 2617: Chasing the ratings
Following the demise of Big Brother, you are invited to submit a proposal for a new TV reality show that is guaranteed to pull in the punters (150 words maximum). Entries to Competition 2617 by midday on 7 October or email lucy@spectator.co.uk. Email is preferable in view of the current disruption to postal services.
Comments