In Competition No. 2585 you were invited to submit the memoirs of ten famous figures from history or ten well-known fictional characters, using only six words. In response to a ten-dollar bet that he couldn’t write a six-word short story, Hemingway came up with the haunting mini-masterpiece ‘For sale: baby shoes, never worn’. Which, as well as inspiring this challenge, spawned an enormously successful contest, run by the online magazine Smith, that invites readers to tell their life story in half-a-dozen words.
Autobiography is not traditionally associated with brevity but perhaps keeping it concise is the way to go in an age of shrinking attention spans. Which is not to say that the briefest of sketches cannot give the reader hours of speculative fun filling in the gaps.
It was a large entry. Commendations to D.A. Prince (‘Bright spark; great plot; fuse failed’: Guy Fawkes); W.J. Webster (‘Yes, I did IT my way’: Bill Gates); George Simmers (‘I always paid the full whack’: Max Mosley); Paul Griffin (‘To me, life was a mystery’: Agatha Christie); Jenny Lowe (‘They called me the Elephant Man’: Hannibal); Derek Morgan (‘Not in a rush, are you?’: Ancient Mariner); and John O’Byrne and Marion Shore (‘I had a whale of a time!’: Captain Ahab). The winners, printed below, get £20 each. For those not fluent in Morse code, Bill Greenwell’s Samuel Morse sixer translates as: In life I cut a dash.
Piglet: I am brainless. Bear with me.
God: A six-day week, before endless holidays.
Benjamin Button: From 80 to 0 in 80.
Samuel Beckett: My bails, my bat, howsoever close.
Samuel Johnson: Birthnight, Strifeful, Writative, Lifetime, Death’s-Door, Partage.
Nell Gwyn: Oranges are not the only fruit.
Mark Twain: Reports of my life are exaggerated.
Samuel Morse: .. -. .-.. .. ..-. . .. -.-. ..- – .- -.. .- … ….
Julius Caesar: Veni, vidi, vici, vivi, exeo, vale.
William Spooner: Wick-quitted, I woke not I spew.
Bill Greenwell
Alexander Portnoy: I’m coming. . . I’m coming. . . I’m coming. . .
Jesus: Lived, died, lived again, never dies.
Winston Churchill: Jaw, war, jaw, war, jaw, bore.
William S. Burroughs: Queer junky shoots wife; writes filth.
Tristram Shandy: Autobiographer; all beginning and no end
Jeffrey Bernard: Fast women, slow horses, last orders.
J.K. Rowling: Conflates Jennings and Tolkien, making millions.
Richard Ingrams: From young Gnome to old fogey.
Proust: Twelve novel epic? Piece of cake!
Godot: Philanthropic landowner lacking only a watch.
Adrian Fry
Adrian Mole: They warned me about Pandora’s box.
Queen Victoria: Gladstone cured my Dizzy spells.
Baron Munchausen: My life has been greatly exaggerated.
The Wandering Jew: If I had my time again.
Methuselah: ‘Look’ sayeth Lamech. ‘About thy pension.’
Funes, the Memorious (Borges): Ah, yes, I …er …
Casanova: My schoolteacher wrote: ‘Must try ardour.’
Messalina: I had no time for Johnnies-come-lately.
Goliath: Stone’s throw from victory, and …Aaagh!
Christopher Columbus: Well, how was I to know?
A.G. Crow
Napoleon: Perfide Albion, perfide Albion, perfide Albion.
Lord Kitchener: Born in Kerry, died in Hampshire.
Mussolini: I began and ended upside-down.
Neville Chamberlain: Rugby schooled me, Hitler fooled me.
Hitler: The Jews destroyed my peace plan.
Stalin: Living in a state of paranoia.
Churchill:Crossed the floor, won the war.
Joseph McCarthy: Blacklists grew when I saw red.
Margaret Thatcher: When toppled I shed rusty tears.
George Bush: I misunderestimated the power of eviltude.
Basil Ransome-Davies
Alice (in Wonderland): I never dreamed I’d be famous.
Queen Victoria: Albert fretted on his tight chain.
Richard III: I’ve a hunch I’ll be back.
Sherlock Holmes: My return was judged a disappointment.
Charles I: I lost my head but once.
William the Conqueror: Born a bastard; died a king.
Sir Harry Flashman: Cowardice is not for faint-hearts.
Oliver Cromwell: Some people thought my behaviour cavalier.
Geoffrey Chaucer: What fantastic tales I could tell!
Nigel Molesworth: St Custards was just a trifle.
J.C.H. Mounsey
Christiaan Barnard: Please, have a heart, will you?
Sir Edmund Hillary: I was best ever, everer, Everest.
Julius Caesar: I arrived, I observed, I subjugated.
Mickey Mouse: I co-starred in a Minnie series.
Methuselah:The first five centuries were hardest.
Mother Teresa: When hungry, I considered eating habits.
Dorian Gray: The first five centuries were hardest.
Charles Darwin: Amoeba, fish, bird, mammal: what’s next?
Richard Nixon: I was not a bad crook.
Cheops: Come and pyr amid my remains.
Mae Scanlan
Judge Jeffreys: Short sharp sentences were my speciality.
Diogenes: They were always over a barrel.
Samuel Plimsoll: I drew the line at overloading.
Diego Maradona: I knew how to handle England.
Whistler: At least I made Mom famous.
Bing Crosby: I liked to travel with Hope.
Napoleon: Able was I ere — Merde, j’oublie.
Nero: My musical artistry set Rome ablaze.
Leda: He swanned off, leaving the kids.
Agamemnon: Biddable daughter, but a vengeful wife.
Colin Sydenham
Anne: To be dead is fame enough.
Edward I: Hammer of the Scots? And Wales.
Edward II: I need my Piers, not peers.
Elizabeth I: Take me back to Essex again.
Henry V: Sorry, Lads. France again this year.
Henry VIII: Six wives? No wonder I’m miserable.
John: Give me the pen. I’ll sign.
Richard II: Don’t believe everything Shakespeare tells you.
Victoria: Sixty-three years. It’s not funny.
William II: Do I look like a deer?
William Danes-Volkov
No. 2588: X-rated
You are invited to submit spiced-up versions of children’s poems or stories (16 lines/150 words maximum). But think sauciness rather than smut. Entries to ‘Competition 2588’ by 19 March or email lucy@spectator.co.uk.
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