Gordon spent Christmas learning the catechism from Peter Mandelson. Today we heard the result. And it sounded robotic. ‘Do nothing’ is his clockwork description of the Tories. ‘Real help’ is the mantra for Labour. The first question at PMQs came from a government stooge asking about loan guarantees. Gordon stood up and re-announced his scheme to underwrite £10 billion worth of business debts. ‘Real help’ he said. Again and again. I lost count after the fifth repetition.
Cameron responded by departing from his script. ‘Planted question, copied policy.’ This was his best moment. A powerful point succinctly made and he seemed justifiably pleased that the government has adopted a measure he’s been urging on them since well before Christmas. He then reverted to his prepared battleground – the 2.5 percent VAT cut. This probably sounded good in the war-room but it went off like a wet firework in the house. Calling the cut ‘an expensive failure’ he suggested that it had added £12 billion to government debt. In normal times £12 billion would be a vast sum to squander but when rescue packages of several hundred billions are regularly being announced both here and in America it sounds like a mislaid thumb-tack. Gordon ignored it and claimed that the reduction had added £275 to the average family’s yearly budget.
It’s a pity MPs don’t go shopping. They might realise that the cut hasn’t reached customers because it’s too fiddly to pass on. Things that cost £4.99 should be reduced by 13p but when did you last see a £4.99 item repriced at £4.86? Nick Clegg joined the assault on Gordon’s crisis management. ‘Here’s what he should do,’ he said primly. ‘Stop telling the banks to both hoard cash and lend it out. And use one of the part-nationalised banks as a state bank.’ Gordon gave him a kind smile. ‘I admire his certainty.’
Asked about the President-elect, Gordon offered us a sneak preview of his strategy for the spring. ‘The actions of the Obama administration will be complemented by what we can do in Europe. The consensus will be that we need the fiscal stimulus, which,’ he added pointedly, ‘all sides of this house cannot support.’ So that’s the plan. Chum up with other world leaders and stride around the chancelleries of Europe attending summits and looking terribly busy and important. When he gets a free moment he’ll remind us that the ‘marginalised’ Tories have proposed an ‘unfunded’ rescue package and continue to ‘do nothing.’ Crude but shrewd, this tactic has an inbuilt failsafe mechanism. If the world economy picks up Gordon takes the credit. If the world economy falters the world economy takes the blame.
The Tories are letting him get away with it. By the session’s close he was in full swagger-mode, reacting to things he had pretended to hear across the house. ‘They laugh when I mention the car industry.’ He even ventured a low-key tribute to George Bush, ‘the first to recognise the threat of terrorism’ on Sept 11th. He felt confident enough to talk of the ‘philosophical differences’ between Labour and Tory policy without being heckled. Then he turned into the Good Samaritan. ‘We won’t walk by on the other side!’ he announced at top volume. At least one detail of his rhetoric is correct. The Tories do seem marginalised. Not one of them could stop the Prime Minister from parading around as if he were addressing a Socialist rally or a Salvation Army prayer-meeting. Surrounded by his cowed and bemused colleagues, David Cameron looked very cross indeed. As well he might be. With himself.
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