David Cameron is sending me begging letters

A letter arrives from David Cameron, asking me to vote by post in the European elections. Presumably he means vote by post for the Tory party.

The letter has a postal ballot application form all filled out with my name and address. I just have to sign and return it in the envelope provided. ‘Apply for a postal vote today and help us secure an EU referendum… If I am Prime Minister after the next general election, there will be an in-out referendum by the end of 2017. This is my personal pledge to you…Yours sincerely, David Cameron.’

I stare for a long time at this letter feeling strange, conflicting emotions. The main thing that hits me is this: things are obviously much worse for the Conservatives than I had thought.

The Prime Minister must be desperate if he’s writing to ask me to vote for him. Doesn’t he read the newspapers? The day the letter arrives I have intimated in an opinion piece that he makes up policy as he goes along — riding a husky sled one minute, talking about ‘green crap’ the next.

I feel awful now. Poor Dave. Maybe I should vote for him by way of apology. Or maybe I should vote for him in the way that one gives money to those poor souls on the streets. You suspect that they are only going to use it to buy drink or drugs, but you give them a fiver anyway.

I tend to think that if a person asks you for help and you give it, what they do with your goodwill is their business. Whenever you get hit on by someone who claims they ‘just need a few quid to get into a shelter for the night, mate!’ I say give them what they ask, and don’t worry about their motives.