Q. Parents of one of our son’s best friends at school are famous for their tightness. The father makes ‘funny money’ in the City, but they often invite people to their house in Devon, then suggest the guests take them out to restaurants as the mother ‘can’t face’ cooking. They are people my wife and I do not usually see outside of school functions but they recently prevailed upon us to put them up for membership of a certain exclusive club. Because of our sons’ friendship we did so. The desired result having been achieved, the couple rang to thank us and say, ‘We must take you out to dinner.’ My wife and I were delighted to accept their invitation to one of the most expensive restaurants in town. We were impressed by our host’s generosity when he chose the wine (£50 per bottle) and recommended we ‘go for it’ as we perused the menus. The evening was enjoyable and when the bill came I stupidly found myself offering — out of politeness — to contribute towards it. Our host shook his head as he passed his plastic to the waiter and said, ‘Don’t worry’, then adding the cryptic words, ‘I’ll email you in the morning.’ The following morning I received an email telling me my ‘share of the bill’ was £150. What should we do, Mary?
J.F., Petersfield
A. Ignore the email. If you are chased, acknowledge that you did receive it but gasp, ‘I thought you must have sent it to me by mistake because, apart from that dinner you so kindly invited us to to pay us back for getting you into the club, we haven’t been to another restaurant with you.’ Then stay silent while he babbles.
Q. At all the parties I go to now all the other women are wearing very high heels. This puts me at considerable disadvantage since I cannot walk in high shoes without twisting my ankle and the result is that by comparison I am made to look small and squat. What do you suggest?
M.W., London W11
A. You could redress the balance by purchasing currently fashionable wedge heels. Provided these are secured to the feet with sturdy reinforcement straps around the ankle the danger of toppling is virtually negated. Train yourself up by wearing the wedges for 15 minutes a day and, within no more than a week, you will have mastered the technique and can experience the feeling of power enjoyed by other lofty ladies. Do not make the mistake, however, of underestimating the alternative power that a tiny female has over men. Her diminutive status makes him feel like Peter Crouch and he therefore feels protective and well-disposed towards her.
Q. Re sneezing. The answer is red flower oil from a Chinese herbalist. Put one dab in the middle of your forehead, another dab at the back of your neck and a bit on your hankie. Sneezing stops within a minute. It works for me, much to my husband’s relief.
D. McL., Cannes
A. Thank you for submitting this tip which will be useful for the many non-theatrical sneezers around us who do not wish to use sneezing to draw attention to themselves, but merely long to see an end to the nuisance.
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