Q. Over the last 20 years four of my closest friends have moved abroad. The good thing is that they come to stay with me when they are in London. The bad thing is that invariably, when they are packing up to leave our house for their cheap flights, they find that they have somehow accumulated too much luggage during their stay, and ask to leave the overspill with me, to be collected when they next visit. The next time they come the same thing happens again. I do not want to be inhospitable but there are now 11 leftover bags. What should I do?
— J.F., London SW12
A. Email your friends to announce your discovery that it is surprisingly inexpensive to send parcels abroad through the Royal Mail. This is true: it costs only £33 to insure, and post by registered mail, a full 7lb package of grot to Italy. Tell your friends you are willing to bundle up their possessions and pay the postage yourself as a birthday present. With any luck they will fall into the trap and say the stuff is not worth posting on, in which case you can enquire, ‘Well can I drop it at a charity shop then?’
Q. We have bought a pied à terre in a Chelsea mansion block without thinking to check whether dogs are allowed. It turns out they are not. Our dachshund is not a barker and is so well behaved. We have been slipping her in without anyone noticing but we live in dread of being found out. Do you have any advice, Mary?
— Name and address withheld
A. Train your dog not to bark when someone comes to the door, and keep, just inside it, a lifelike and life-sized toy dachshund. In the event of a Stasi-like visitation, smile pleasantly as you show the porter the toy and ask, ‘Could this have been the cause of confusion?’
Q. My stepson, who will be 40, wants to give his birthday party in the house where he grew up but where I now live with his mother. I do not want this to happen as I have worked very hard on the restoration of this very delicate property, which does not belong to us and which we have for a peppercorn rent. My stepson wants to have a sort of rave with two bands and camping. Despite his age, many of his friends are heavy drinkers with tattoos. His mother is distraught but I am adamant. What do you say, Mary?
— Name and address withheld
A. He should be allowed to have the party in his childhood home but only if he pays for the security himself. This could be done on the cheap by hiring local bouncers and setting aside one tent as a sort of prison facility. But perhaps it might be best to write guilelessly to the owners, asking for permission to hold the rave. They will write back saying no and you can put an end to the nuisance.
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