Q. Last weekend we went abroad to a birthday party of great friends of ours. We often meet them when they come to London, and invite them to join us at my club. They are coming to visit London again, this time with another couple, whom we hardly know. Of course we would like to invite our friends to dine with us again, and are prepared to invite their friends too; however, I’m not keen to have to pay for them as well. What do you advise me to do? To say that we can only invite two guests at a time wouldn’t work, for our friends are too familiar with English methods to believe that. Your famous wisdom please!
Name withheld, Norfolk
A. There is no way around this. You will have to invite all four of them, and as the only member you will be the only one allowed to pay. Even if the couple you hardly know realise that, and offer to settle up with you afterwards, it would strike the wrong note for you to accept. Unfortunately, people do tend to think of clubs as private houses where it is not that expensive to entertain. The good side is that, in the eyes of the primary friends, this hospitality by proxy will count as a double credit in your favour.
Q. Recent correspondence on the issue of the word ‘toilet’ prompts me to seek advice on the ancillary issue of the toilet paper. Is it now acceptable to call this ‘toilet paper’ or perhaps ‘loo paper’? Indeed, is it ‘paper’ or ‘tissue’ in polite society? Furthermore, should it always be plain white or is coloured paper now acceptable? And, actually, should the roll peel from the inside or outside of the spindle? Please give a ruling, Mary.
J.B., St Peter’s Port, Guernsey
A. White is the only acceptable colour. The roll should peel from the inside of the spindle. This is visually tidier and marginally more obstructive of profligacy. The word ‘bumf’ speaks for itself, even for first-time hearers of this ancient term.
Q. You say that giving away copies of one’s own unpublished memoir can cause ‘social alienation’. A more likely, and lesser, hazard would be some social awkwardness. For example, the topic is best avoided at dinner parties: those who have not read their copy and those who think it rubbish will look down at their plates and a strained silence will ensue. As a generalisation, relatives tend to treat the whole matter with indifference; as to one’s friends, the greater their distance from you, the greater the recognition (or the constraints of politeness). We may however take comfort from no less a writer than Montaigne. ‘In my own climate of Gascony they find it funny to see me in print. I am valued the more the further from home knowledge of me has spread’.
S.B., Sussex
A. Thank you for sharing these poignant observations.
Q. The following story might provide comfort for I.B. of London (23 May 2009) who was worried about his good manners giving offence to a ‘feisty feminist’. A man held the door open for a woman to pass through. ‘I hope you didn’t do that because I’m a woman,’ she snapped. ‘No, no,’ he replied, ‘I did it because I’m a gentleman.’
A.J.L., Bardon, Queensland, Australia
A. What an excellent provocation. Readers will be pleased to store it in their repertoires.
Comments