Q. My mother has had a minor physical setback which means it is currently too difficult for her to go out and see people. People consequently come to her, which is wonderful, but because she is so popular, they come in their hordes. It is not so much the provision of food and drinks which is the problem for her as a host, but the need to be ‘good value’ conversationally — sometimes up to four times a day for an hour at a time. What do you suggest, Mary?
— Name and address withheld
A. Chemotherapy patients often report that they much prefer it when two people come to keep them company during the ordeal rather than one. The two visitors can then chat across the bed and the patient can enjoy the company and the chat without having to be drained by joining in. Suggest that, in future, your mother requests that her guests come in pairs.
Q. For the past three years my family has taken a house with another family for a week in the summer. We all still get on really well but we have decided that this year we feel like doing something different. The problem is how to tell the other family so they don’t take it badly (they are a bit insecure and needy). It is coming up to the moment when we plan the holiday, so suggestions would be welcome.
— Name and address withheld
A. It is important not to feed this family’s insecurity by patronising them or being overly reassuring. Next time you are chatting, casually enquire what weeks in the summer they are free as if it was no big deal. Make a careful note of the weeks they definitely cannot do. There are bound to be some. Then ring back and say ‘Disaster! We looked at our calendar and those weeks — which are the only ones you can’t do — are the only ones we can do. Let’s go for a long weekend instead.’
Q. How do you force people to RSVP to party invitations? Because so few people replied to my last invitation I didn’t know how many were coming, so failed to ask my B list. The result was a rather small party with lots of people offended they hadn’t been asked. (I see Nicky Haslam has put on his latest invitation ‘RSVP essential’. Do you think that would work?)
— Name and address withheld
A. There is an epidemic of discourtesy about RSVPs and it is time party-goers were disciplined. As usual Nicky Haslam — whose most overlooked quality is kindness, incidentally — is ahead of the game. By insisting on an RSVP to the launch for Folly de Grandeur, Nicky can force an answer from those people who he may have suspected would be abroad on the night anyway, or undergoing surgical procedures, and expand his guest list to maximum potential. Other hosts (and guests) take note.
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