Dear Mary… | 15 July 2006

Q. I read your ‘In the Chair’ Q&As in the online edition of The Spectator with interest. In this session you mentioned a dilemma of your own. You told of how your own good manners had once been compromised by your reluctance to dilute a conversation with the great Auberon Waugh by having to introduce hovering friends. I have a similar problem at parties. I am a close friend of an internationally famous actor. Occasionally we meet up at semi-public events, but I am never able to exchange more than a couple of sentences with him before a host of people, some of whom I hardly know, are queueing up on the pretext of wanting to talk to me, but really so I can introduce them to him. How can I get ‘quality time’ with my friend on these sorts of occasions? I feel guilty at having to introduce him to so many people. I wonder whether, with the benefit of hindsight, you are now equipped to advise me on this?

Name and address withheld

A. Some of the most successful socialisers are those who have honed the skill of focusing intensely on the person to whom they are talking. Admirers report: ‘He/she is so attractive. He/she makes you feel you are the only person in the room.’ This ego-boosting technique has the double benefit of deterring would-be encroachers since, if they cannot catch one’s eye, they cannot move in without seeming to be barging in. However, it is unrealistic to expect to spend any quality time with such a quality friend at a public event. He certainly would not expect it to be possible and almost certainly enjoys the reassurance of meeting so many fans. You can only hope to do this in the more intimate surroundings of a private house.