Q. I recently managed to put together a large party for a summer country-house opera at the Grange near Winchester. We decided not to picnic, but instead I had booked one of the private dining-rooms there. However, from past experience, it often happens that some guests will cancel at the last moment for one unforeseen reason or another. To avoid wasting the tickets and the dinners, this year I decided to ask some friends well in advance whether they wouldn’t mind going on the ‘standby’ list in case someone drops out. Most were flattered by my idea and agreed willingly. However, one said this was an insult and they didn’t want to have to arrange a babysitter for nothing. What do you think, Mary? Have I been insulting, or not?
M.K., Mildenhall, Wiltshire
A. Unfortunately, you might have insulted those people who would have accepted a confirmed invitation with delight but for whom a provisional one was tantamount to taunting. It is sensible of you to line up understudies, but best in future to confine your selection to close friends on your wavelength, rather than acquaintances. Even so, the skill is in the presentation of the offer. Of course you are potentially bestowing the most fabulous treat, but you should bill it as your calling in a favour rather than bestowing one.
Q. Last week while heading home from Cornwall to Oxfordshire I broke the journey with a friend in Wiltshire and ended up inviting myself to stay on for the weekend. In recompense for my lack of warning I proffered a selection of half-used groceries from the boot of my car: open cereal packets, half-finished pots of Seville marmalade, sea bass from Rock, hogs pud from Devon, Somerset goat’s cheese, Wiltshire ewe’s… souvenirs of my homeward journey and greedy shopping habit. My friends claimed delight at being the recipients of delicious morsels and traditional local produce, but there is one questionable angle to all this. They normally take great pride in entertaining their guests and I wondered if this catered provision caused them to feel they had forfeited their nominal control over the kitchen, as they became bottle-washers, sous chefs and BBQ skivvies while I cooked as well. So — did I break too many ground rules when I invited myself to stay in this manner?
N.M., Stanton St John, Oxfordshire
A. Assuming that your friends enjoy your company in the first place, I’m sure they would be delighted to have been presented with a free cook and luxury food. In these credit-crunch-aware times even the super-rich feel virtuous when they are using foodstuffs which might otherwise go to waste. What is more, your contribution in monetary terms was probably equivalent to the cost of their filling up their car. The etiquette in these situations is that both parties should write to thank each other.
Q. Can you advise me please how to refuse the insistent pleadings of street charity collectors? I give a reasonable amount to charity, but I prefer to do so in a tax-efficient way, and having decided on my annual budget and set up the required gift aid details I have no wish to give more. But some collectors imply that a refusal to give to their favourite charity is both a personal insult and a crime against humanity — and try as I might, I feel guilty as I pass them by.
A. Simply smile radiantly at the collectors and sail benignly by.
If you have a problem write to Dear Mary, c/o The Spectator, 22 Old Queen Street, London SW1H 9HP.
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