Q. I was invited to a very informal kitchen supper by a friendly neighbour and his wife. It would be just the three of us, and I strolled round there in anticipation of an enjoyable few hours of exchanging indiscretions. My problem is that when I walked into the kitchen I saw an open laptop at one end of the table laid for three — in the fourth place as it were. The screen showed a man I had not met before waving, apparently at me, and raising a glass of wine in my direction. My host boasted that he had just got Skype which would enable us to ‘have dinner’ with this man, another great friend of his, who lives in Johannesburg but who could see us through a camera in the laptop at our end. I must admit I was disappointed by this virtual intrusion. Conversation was buoyant but somehow artificial and we could not gossip. My friend soon tired of the novelty and began making faces at me but we could think of no way of politely disconnecting the friend in South Africa. What should we have done, Mary?
K.J., London SW10
A. The correct protocol is for one person to casually remark that the ‘battery low’ symbol has come up on the laptop and that it needs to be plugged into the mains. Another guest will thereby be prompted to notice that the charger is nowhere to be found and they can’t think where it could be. After a couple more minutes of acting normally a discreet hand can move on to the disconnect button.
Q. My new sister-in-law, my 50-year-old brother’s second wife, this Christmas sent me a present of the exact five CDs that I sent to my brother last year, the gift tag signed by him. My brother is very vague and would not have taken any part in the buying or wrapping of the Christmas present or anything like that. He would have left it entirely to his wife. What it suggests to me is that she deliberately sent them back as a sort of act of hostility. I have not been able to ring or write and thank him as I do not know what to say. How should I respond, Mary?
Z.I., Glasgow
A. Many people who marry into established emotional set-ups are often jealous of their partner’s past and can unconsciously try to sabotage these rival close relationships. Therefore do not fall into the trap of taking offence. Instead show more friendliness towards your sister-in-law.
Q. What is the correct way to store glasses? My boyfriend says they must be rim down to stop them from getting dirty but we have always had them rim up at home. Can you rule, Mary?
I.G., Edinburgh
A. Rim up is correct. Storing them rim down paradoxically allows more germs to circulate in the trapped air pocket, especially if the glasses are put away damp. But the protocol is not only about germ avoidance. An upright glass is psychologically more uplifting than a downturned one. There is the obvious phallic connection but in addition it is more optimistic to have rims up so the glasses can be filled. Rims down suggest that refreshment might be forbidden.
If you have a problem, write to Dear Mary, c/o The Spectator, 22 Old Queen Street, London SW1H 9HP.
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