For her traditional Christmas treat Mary has invited some of her favourite figures in the public eye to submit personal problems for her attention.
From Robert Hiscox
Q. Christmas time brings the threat of having to dance at a staff party. As a chairman in my sixties I wonder how to maintain any dignity when dragged on to the dance floor and faced by a gyrating young female. I believe actually holding a lady in your arms while dancing is as out of date as the Charleston, and would be highly dangerous in today’s threatening climate of employment litigation. Refusing to dance at all would be deeply stand-offish. Is there an approved ‘Chairman’s shuffle’?
A. Indeed. Insist on taking to the dance floor still holding your glass of champagne in addition to, ideally, a lighted cigar. Thus encumbered, it would clearly be impossible for you to indulge in full Jaggeresque gyrations. Furthermore, with both hands demonstrably full there will be no danger that litigation can result from your performance.
From A.N. Wilson
Q. An old friend from Merioneth meets me for lunch at Rule’s restaurant in London three or four times a year. I always used to look forward to these jolly occasions. Seven years ago, however, she rang up the day before our lunch and asked if I’d mind her bringing along a friend who had lately been widowed and needed cheering up. The friend turned out to be the most crashing bore who did not let me or my friend get a word in edgeways. Cursed as I am by politeness, I disguised the instantaneous loathing I felt for this person. The next time my friend suggested lunch she added, ‘Oh, and since you seemed to get on so well with X, I’ve asked her along too.’ Now, every time I have seen my old chum in the last seven years, this crasher has been brought along to spoil it. It is too late to admit that I never liked her in the first place. I do not want to drop my old friend. How can I persuade her to have lunch with me alone?
A. Since I know you to be an especially prolific and speedy writer, could you not allocate an afternoon during the Christmas recess to knock out a short novel about this subject and rush it into print? It will certainly come to the attention of the tricky third party who will then take tactful steps not to ruin your private lunches in future.
From Marco Pierre White
Q. After many years in the restaurant business I have a constantly expanding circle of friends and acquaintances. Often, when I am visiting Frankies, Luciano or Drones, I am asked to join someone at their table for a drink. Naturally I welcome these invitations, but when there are more than three groups of friends/acquaintances in the restaurant at any one time, it becomes impractical. How do I gracefully minimise the length of time taken by these encounters?
A. Your friends will probably be quite happy with just a short burst of your charismatic presence. Any more might disturb the momentum of their munching. Set your mobile alarm to throb after the number of minutes you judge appropriate for the table you are about to join and hand it discreetly to the ma
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