Once again Mary has invited some of her favourite figures in the public eye to submit personal queries for her attention.
From the Rt Hon Michael Gove MP
Q. Without his parents quite knowing why, our seven-year-old son has become fanatical about football. I have tried to channel this enthusiasm in a positive way, booking him into local coaching sessions, and on the basis that one should support a football club for reasons of dogged local patriotism rather than a thirst for glittering prizes, I have sought to nurture a passion for our local team, Queens Park Rangers, in his breast. But our son has remarked that QPR appear to win less often than other teams his school friends support — notably Chelsea. He is pressing me to consider a transfer of support or have him face continual playground mockery for a quixotic family allegiance. I, however, stand firm on the basis that a) the precedence for Conservative politicians switching their allegiance to Chelsea from other west London clubs (David Mellor betraying Fulham) is not happy, and b) Chelsea’s recent run of poor form (including defeat to QPR at Loftus Road) suggests that, like the British empire in 1938, the Blues are, after a period of hegemony, now on a path of inevitable decline. What would you advise, Mary?
A. You must stick with QPR — not because of David Mellor or Chelsea’s recent poor form but because of local patriotism. You are a busy man and loyalty to QPR will repay itself time and again in the convenience of being able to stroll to the ground. Your son is probably too young to grasp the concept of deferred, perhaps permanently deferred, gratification, but the concept of anti-elitism will be more manageable. Work on pricking his junior conscience so he can conflate supporting an unfashionable team with a sense of purpose and morality.
From Rupert Everett
At Christmas time I wait with bated breath for the post each morning and am always thrilled when I don’t receive a single Christmas card or invitation. The Christmas card thing is not because I hate people but because I have no infrastructure to return the compliment. I have not slaved over a photo of me at the chimney with a crack pipe and slippers and made it into an ingenious card with ‘happy holidays’ (God forbid one says ‘Christmas’) scrawled underneath. Equally, I don’t possess a diary in which to write down the dates of the various parties, so I never remember to go. Plus, due to CNPS (chronic-nose-picking syndrome), and all the kissing and hand-shaking, I am particularly susceptible to colds during the festive season and have on more than one occasion nearly been hospitalised. (The Priory is a hospital, right?) So I prefer to stay at home in bed from 1 December through 15 January. Do you think I am taking the whole Christmas thing too seriously?
A. Virtually all other men of your age share these sentiments but other men’s Yuletide grumbles are solved at a stroke by the existence of live-in partners. These drones do all the emotional housework, the Christmas cards, the diary entries and — most pertinently — the supervising of flu-jab appointments. Couldn’t you appoint such a companion?
From Anya Hindmarch
Q. Is it wrong to find Christmas cards an imposition? As a designer, I am always troubled by the lack of co-ordination of colours and styles and frankly find it pretty offensive to be forced to accommodate such a mishmash of decorative material. I have solved this problem by opening them, enjoying the message/charitable donation/scary children’s photograph and even (bizarrely) the round robin letter and then keeping them in a drawer until it is safe to recycle them into next year’s ‘gopping’ Christmas cards. Is this rude?
A. It could be judged eccentric rather than rude. But you are missing a trick. Why not display the cards, some of which must be from ‘celebrities’, in one of your shops, dangling them in such a way as to detain nosy parker customers longer than they intended as they read the irresistible messages? It is scientifically proven that anyone who stays in a shop more than 17 minutes automatically buys something.
From Sir David Tang
Q. As an agony uncle, I am often asked about feminine matters like how long or short a skirt should be, or how much make-up is the right amount. Although I try my best, I never feel quite qualified. Do you receive questions on matters of masculine fashion, for instance about facial hair or tight jeans or the relative merits of speedos and mankinis? Would you feel you had enough authority to answer these sorts of queries from men?
A. You correctly divine that, unlike yourself, I am not an expert on every matter of male presentation. Fortunately I have a panel of experts on whose sound judgment I can count when the need to tackle such queries arises. Advice regarding Speedos and mankinis I can manage on my own, however. Neither are ever acceptable.
From Miranda Seymour
Q. Our family love the habit of gathering friends together for a Christmas meal. This year, the range of dietary requirements is petrifying (to a hostess whose first skills aren’t culinary). My mother is a slave to her dairy allergy; her cousin can’t eat wheat products; a dear but nervy neighbour has become a stern veggie whose vetoed products now extend to eggs. What kind of a Christmas meal is going to keep the guests happy, and the cook from having a breakdown?
A. Surprise the guests by giving them a children’s party-style treat — each person being given their own bespoke plateful and perhaps domes lifted off in unison. Do this in a very positive cheery way. No need to mention how much trouble they have caused — they will be made well aware of it.
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