Q. When our daughter, who has a wheat allergy, comes up to stay for weekends or hols with her husband and children, my wife takes a lot of trouble ordering wheat-free loaves from a special source in our nearby town. These are then collected by my wife and pointed out to all present as being for our daughter only — there is plenty of other delicious bread. In spite of all this (the specially ordered bread is expensive, has to be collected, we can’t get another loaf quickly, and we’ve said it several times), her husband still goes on taking pieces! He may be winding up his in-laws, but either way, can you suggest a solution?
— H.B., East Lothian, Scotland
A. The couple must have come to some arrangement in their own home so remove the potential for wind-ups in yours. Your son-in-law, as the house guest of parent figures, may be reverting to childhood habits of sibling rivalry, seeing one favoured ‘child’ being fussed over and made special provision for. Sidestep the problem by asking your daughter to bring her own wheat-free bread.
Q. I have had a birthday card, with felicitations addressed to me only by the one of my two Christian names that I do not use, from a couple who sign only with their own Christian names, and whom I deduce from discreet enquiries to be the headmaster of my old school and his wife. How should I reciprocate this kindness, and under which name? I can probably find out his birthday, but hers might be harder, and might not a card to her, with only her Christian names on it, sow confusion in the household?
— Name and address withheld
A. Reciprocal birthday cards would be inappropriate. You asked for clues to your identity to be withheld, but the fact that you enjoy distinguished academic status has bearing on this mystery. The headmaster may have a policy of signalling approval of successful alumni with birthday cards, but he is more likely to be paving the way for a request for financial assistance or that you take a seat on the board of governors. Simply send a postcard of thanks and sign it with both of your names, underlining your favoured one.
Q. I have suddenly realised that someone with whom I have been platonic friends for two years is actually very attractive. How can I take things further without spoiling the friendship if he does not feel the same way? We are at university together.
— K.K., Oxford
A. Meet him in a pub or restaurant. When you leave, express amazement at how cold it is and how stupid you have been not to have brought a coat. Ask him to hug you as you walk along using his coat as a double cape. This method will activate any latent desires for fuller intimacy. At the same time it will save your face if no activation occurs.
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