Q. My new boyfriend holds his knife like a pencil. How can I gently correct this without him thinking I am starting to nag too early on in the relationship? My parents will be appalled.
— Name withheld, Godalming, Surrey
A. You may be unable to break the habit but you can explain its origin to your parents. In the words of Madame de Staël, ‘Tout comprendre rend très indulgent.’ The epidemic of incorrect knife-holding is an evolutionary response to the mass production of painful cutlery. Until the 1950s even cheap cutlery was moulded and the handles attached to the blades. Then cutlery began to be made by stamping out the knives and forks in one piece, resulting in knives for public use which dig like tent pegs into the palm of the hand. Users had to adapt to survive and HKLP (holds-knife-like-pencil in Mitford code) is no longer a class indication. In your boyfriend’s case, it probably merely means he went to a school with painful cutlery.
Q. I had accepted an invitation to a party in the countryside but on the night I rang to say I was ill. Believe me, I was not letting them down, as such. I had found out a secret which meant I was helping them by not going. I wanted to go out in Paris but I was so afraid somebody would photograph me and put me on their Facebook page that I ended up walking the Champs Elysées on my own. What could I have done?
— L..L., Paris
A. In this situation it is advisable to ring to say that you have a headache and have taken some painkillers and are going to bed. Two hours later you email to announce how ironic it is that you have woken up perfectly fine and now it is too late to go to the country. Should you then be photographed at rival events, you will not hurt feelings.
Q. I went up to Yorkshire to visit my daughter at university. A friend of a friend, who I had never previously met, had offered me a bed. I was relieved to find the house comfortable, with a lit fire and a bottle of champagne on offer. But then my host began to be scathing and unkind about our mutual friend. I was tired and had no car to get away, so, rather than defending her, I joined in and supplied some unkind anecdotes myself. This left me with a nasty taste in my mouth. What could I have done, Mary?
— M.U., Lewes, Sussex
A. You were an unwitting sufferer from a variant of Stockholm Syndrome, while your host was probably alcoholic. Should the same thing happen again say ‘How interesting! I used to think she was awful too but then I saw how incredibly kind she was when [supply anecdote]’, before changing the subject to an attack on someone you do not know, such as Fred West.
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