Q. We live exactly halfway between London and Cornwall. People often ask themselves to stay so they can break the journey and we usually say yes — we need outside company to liven things up around here. My problem is that we are short of cash these days and I have started doing b&b. I still want my really good old friends to stay without paying, and I still want to see the less good friends, but I am not happy for those in the latter category to block off rooms which I could be letting out to paying punters. Can you suggest a tactful way of suggesting to less good friends that they actually pay to stay? I know this sounds grasping, but we do need the money.
— Name withheld, near Bruton, Somerset
A. When second-division friends try to book in, respond with enthusiasm and assurances that you will be able to make them very comfortable on sofas. Explain that you have provisional bookings for the smart rooms and your husband is adamant that none of the letting opportunities be allowed to slip through your fingers. This will cue the second-divisioners to offer to pay for the room themselves. Or else they can say ‘Don’t worry, it sounds much too complicated’ and neither party need lose face.
Q. I go to the theatre quite often and feel nothing but contempt for people who forget to turn off their mobile telephones. Unfortunately I am one of them. I always intend to turn the wretched thing off, but I seem hardwired to forget. Yesterday, to my deep shame, it went off in the middle of Schiller’s Luise Miller at the Donmar Warehouse. Any ideas, Mary?
— C.B., London WC1
A. Clearly your habit will be hard to break. Instead, use the more easily achieved solution of changing your mobile ringtone from a bell sound or tune to that of yourself coughing. Performers are used to a constant barrage of coughing from attention-seekers in the audience and no one will bat an eyelid. You can then use the first bout of coughing as a reminder to yourself to turn it off.
Q. What is the correct etiquette when someone smashes a glass at a party?
— R.W., London SE1
A. At all costs the culprit must not be made to feel foolish. His or her drink should be immediately replaced by the waiter or host and those standing closest to the incident should move not backwards, as they instinctively do, but forwards. By moving closer to the detritus they can act as human shields to prevent injuries before dustbin and brush arrive. Party glasses invariably cost less than their contents and if they cost any more they should not be being used in a crowd scene where such accidents are almost inevitable.
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