Q. I have received an email from a long-term dear acquaintance who lacks certain social graces because of long hours spent alone in his studio — he is a glass sculptor. It is an invitation to his birthday and he has provided two dates for a celebratory dinner, but unfortunately it has been phrased in such a way as to imply that he will reserve judgment as to which day it is to be. Given that we all have a busy social life and as an artist he is of a brittle disposition, how can I gently remind him that we cannot allocate two weekends on ‘stand-by’ as if we were budget flyers? I fear that this type of behaviour is becoming more and more common in these times of emails, texting and ‘mobile triangulating’ when it comes to social invitations.
E.J., London SW1
A. Why not play your solipsistic friend at his own game and reply by giving him a couple of dates on which it would suit you to attend a party given by him? If, as you say, he is of a brittle disposition and you already have a very busy social life, perhaps it will not matter if he takes offence. If, on the other hand, you take his insularity into account, you may mete out a more lenient punishment by acting daft and thanking him for his invitation on whichever of the two dates suits you best and ignore his having made any mention of the other.
Q. We have a holiday house in France — we often have guests to stay and they all, with one exception, offer to take us out to a restaurant at least once during their visit. This offer is gratefully received by the cook — me. The exception is old friends who are otherwise perfect guests. How can I convey to them that this is the done thing? As it is, I feel tired and resentful, and reluctant to have them again.
Name and address withheld
A. The point of hospitality is that it is given without strings attached, so a host cannot expect such treats as just deserts. However, judging by the querulous hand in which you write, it seems that the real problem may be that your own stamina will be compromised during these house parties if you cannot depend on the occasional relief from drudgery provided by restaurant outings. Rather than allowing resentment to simmer, ask your husband to casually convey to these friends his anxiety that the house parties are getting too much for you. What do they think he should do to ensure they can continue? He can then sit back in silence while they babble before arriving at the conclusion that, were they to be invited again, they could take you both out or even take on some of the cooking drudgery themselves.
Q. Moths have attacked my wardrobe and every cashmere jumper I own seems to have only the one hole — at navel level. Are moths malicious? If they are going to eat only one bite out of a jumper, why can’t it be in the armpit or somewhere it won’t be noticed? I have had to throw everything away.
T.B., Wiltshire
A. A number of men have recently had their wardrobes decimated. The moth is not particularly malicious. It is simply that it goes for the minuscule traces of food that men tend to spill on their fronts and which are invisible to the naked eye.
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