Dear Mary | 26 November 2011

Q. Is it on to invite friends to a birthday dinner and, with no pre-arrangement, expect them to fork out for their meal? An acquaintance — let’s call him Ralphie — has done this for years. Responding to his always effusive invitation (‘I’d really like YOU to be there’), one arrives bearing a gift and, at the end of a convivial evening in a posh restaurant, with appropriate fine wines and liqueurs, the bill is divided between the guests, some of whom, being unprepared, cough up with fixed smiles. Those who pay cheerfully are Ralphie’s pals who, like him, are associated with boats. Ralphie is skipper of a millionaire’s ocean-going yacht so he is himself not short of a bob or two. Tell me, Mary, is this going Dutch — so reminiscent of hard-up student days — perhaps an accepted practice among sea-farers and yachties?
— T.D., Majorca

A. No it is not accepted practice in the wider world. Why not take a tip from a seasoned recipient of such invitations who always replies, ‘I’m working earlier but I wouldn’t want to miss your birthday so can I join you for coffee?’ He then arrives late, ‘throws in’ £20, which no one challenges, and enjoys the ambience of the group while avoiding the frustrations of slow ordering and iniquitous bill-sharing.


Q. What is a suitable and effective thing to say to someone who, after using a public toilet, makes straight for the exit door without washing their hands? Is it any of ‘our business’? Your advice will be very welcome (for men and women!).
— W.H.H., Ledbury, Herefordshire

A. Thank you for reviving this popular topic. Since we no longer live in a country where benign paternalism can be practised with safety, we should take a Darwinian stance and observe such omissions silently while using them to heighten our own awareness of germ potential.