Q. Returning from a trade fair held at a neighbouring stately home I was reminded of the apophthegm ‘a fool and his money are soon parted’. Before my visit I thought a trade fair was full of dusty men with brawny arms selling exotic tools such as adzes, bradawls and drill braces. This, however, was the County female contingent prepared — as vendors at various bric-à-brac stalls — to embark on a discursive rambling gossip with any customer. These conversations were of such detail and duration that my wife, who is generally reliable in stores and shops, found it impossible to move on without making a purchase (in the same way that return invitations are issued by guests leaving a dinner party). Have you any ideas about how these socially pressing vendors can be defeated by an adroit visitor?
Name and address withheld
A. Shopping scientists know that the longer a browser can be detained in a shop, the more difficult she will find it to leave without making a purchase. After 17 minutes it is said to be impossible. The compulsion to buy is even more pronounced when shopping and friendship are conflated. Yet it is still possible to plumb a Sloanefest for its social mileage without buying unwanted goods. You need only arrive clutching a large carrier bag loaded with stiffly bunched-up tissue paper. You can then tour the trade fair with confidence knowing that, if pressure mounts, you can wave your loaded bag and say, ‘I really mustn’t buy anything.’ When the stall-holders gaily inquire, ‘Oooh, what have you got there?’ just reply, ‘Don’t ask!’
Q. What can we do about a dear old friend who is possessed of a socially unacceptable sneeze? She recently visited us in the country and we took her to our favourite local restaurant, an intimate log-fire kind of place. All went well until, out of the blue, she erupted into one of her dreaded sneezes — an ear-piercing scream followed by a loud shout. Diners at other tables were shocked; some dropped their cutlery. Startled bats flew up into the night sky. Our friend took no notice — she never does. She says she’s always sneezed like that. Is there any way of persuading her to moderate her sneeze, or do we and our local friends simply have to put up with it?
Name and address withheld
A. At the beginning of the next social session beat your friend at her own game by supplying her with a prodigious quantity of snuff and invite her to get all her sneezing out of the way so that you can then have a clear run for the rest of the evening. Snuff, which triggers sneezing in novice users, costs between £2 and £5 per tin and is available from Smith’s Snuff shop, 74 Charing Cross Road, London WC2 (0207 836 7422). It is enjoying a boost in popularity as the smoking ban spreads and people are buying it for use as a nicotine substitute in public places. Stand over your friend while she undergoes this managed sneezeathon. It will satisfy her obvious need to draw attention to herself and should also exhaust her capacity for any further sneezing as the evening wears on.
If you have a problem, write to Dear Mary, c/o The Spectator, 56 Doughty Street, London WC1N 2LL.
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