Q. How do I deal with a dearly beloved wife who is beginning to display the same mildly eccentric behaviour of an aristocratic nature as her mother, also beloved by me? This week the timer went in the kitchen and my wife asked me to take off the greaseproof paper from the fillet of pork. This confused me as the roasting pan was still sitting on top of the oven and had yet to go in. Imagine my surprise when I opened the oven door to put it in and found two rather appealing stuffed mushrooms that apparently were meant to accompany the previous night’s supper. I thought nothing of this strange incident until this morning when i came down to find the swimming pool overflowing and the tap still on. It is only a matter of time before my darling wife begins to display other characteristics, such as wearing two watches, ‘one to do what watches are meant to do, and the other because it looks nice’. It is too easy to blame the social pressure of finishing the current book club novel — anyway, I am unable to afford the high level of domestic support needed to deal with a problem of this nature. Any suggestions?
—A.L., Hampshire.
A. The late George Melly was offered help by the sterling organisation Hearing Dogs for Deaf People — but as your wife is not deaf you will have to seek the same result, i.e. a dog who barks when taps and oven rings have been left on, by going to the reputable Association of Pet Dog Trainers (www.apdt.co.uk or 01285 810811). They will be happy to discuss your needs and guide you towards finding a suitable dog and trainer. You will find canine domestic support for this problem much more affordable.
Q. Last week, you suggest that eligible young men needed to make up the numbers at a drinks party can be hired through the Bright Young Things office. Careful! These bright young tutors might be misinterpreted as ‘escorts’, and this could limit their professional uptake in respectable circles.
— K.J., London W11
A. There should be no room for confusion, since these tutors are highly skilled at communication, and cocktail party presenteeism is the best way to promote uptake of anyone’s professional expertise.
Q. How might Andrew Mitchell have extricated himself from his recent dilemma?
— M.M., London NW3
A. Like most parents of middle-class schoolchildren, the Chief Whip is likely to be familiar with the work of rap artists like Roots Manuva. The sensitive should look away now, but here is a sample of his lyrics: ‘Shit’s hard to define/ why some get the vision and the rest toe the line…/ Is you plum or is you PLEB?’ Who is to say that Mr Mitchell was not absentmindedly singing this when the misunderstanding took place?
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