From Francis Boulle
At a recent speaking engagement at a school fundraiser I had the eerie experience of giving my speech to an auditorium of 300 young men wearing cut-out masks of my face. Whilst the trouble they went to was flattering, it was difficult to remain on message when I couldn’t help but feel I was actually alone in the room, speaking to myself — multiplied repeatedly. I was particularly uneasy whilst delivering punch-lines. I asked myself ‘Do I crack myself up? Do I laugh at my own jokes?’ In the event that I run into myself again, how should I cope?
A. There are times in life when you must throw away your script and improvise — something at which you are well practised. You might begin by flattering the audience on the wit and wisdom of their little piece of performance art. Then appeal to their humanity. Invite them to identify with you as a real, vulnerable human being in a comical but strange position — faced with ‘300 flesh and blood invitations to address myself, to judge myself and to find myself wanting’. Be sure to thank them for the experience.
Move on to address members of the audience as if they were, actually, you — telling them where they were good, where bad, where impressive, where ridiculous, etcetera.
Announce that you are seeing this as a ‘pearly gates’ moment, a chance to be your own St Peter, as a credit-where-credit’s-due moment. ‘Man is least himself,’ said Oscar Wilde, ‘when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask and he will tell you the truth.’
You might also meditate on the art and life of actors in general and of Made in Chelsea actors (who are themselves and yet not themselves) in particular, and on celebrity culture. You would sit down to thunderous applause.
From Elisa Segrave
The otherwise sympathetic and extremely helpful couple who work for me keep letting their large Labrador distribute messes in my garden. There are a variety of walks through fields only yards away, so there is no excuse. I have been complaining for months, but they say the messes are left by other dogs, even though this is impossible. I am loath to ban the dog from the garden as I am a dog lover and it is their fault, not the dog’s.
A. Say you understand the local probation officer is short of tasks for his charges doing community service and ask the couple if they would like to volunteer their dog to a youth who could take it on a walk away from the garden every morning ‘before he has had a chance to do a mess in it’. The fear of entrusting their Labrador to a petty criminal might shock them out of their denial and into a new morning routine.
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