Dear Mary | 28 November 2009

Q. At a recent event a close friend of mine said something deeply hurtful about my wife’s looks to a mutual friend. This took place in front of me. Instead of hitting him I retreated and have been in a seething funk ever since. I can’t tell my wife because his words would hit her very hard, not least because she has acted as a deeply kind and above all loyal confidante to him during a turbulent decade in his own love life. How can I let the cad know how I feel without undermining or disabusing my beloved wife?

Name and address withheld

A. This kind of behaviour smacks of classic intolerance to alcohol although, if out of character, it could equally suggest a pathology in the cerebellum. Take your close friend aside and, in a spirit not of anger but of concern, gently enquire whether he has any worries he would like to confide in you. Explain that, since you know him to hold your wife in high esteem, the extraordinary remark he made about her, in front of you, could potentially be indicative of a health problem. As you are so fond of him, would he put your mind at rest by asking his doctor for a check-up?

Q. You have advised of a tactful way to round off a time-consuming telephone call, namely by using the phrase ‘Well, I must let you go.’ May I inform you that your advice has backfired in at least one case. A long-standing friend, with whom I talk regularly, has started to say ‘Well, I must let you go.’ I know she reads Dear Mary but I find it patronising and inappropriate for her to use this tip on me, one of her oldest friends — especially when she works and I do not.