Q. I have two sons. The elder speaks in RP, like his parents; the younger with an estuarine accent. They went to the same state school. What should I say when acquaintances who have met both boys question this anomaly? I find it difficult to explain without making both sons seem pretentious.
— Name withheld, London
A. You could disarm the questioners by explaining that the one with the estuarine accent was more able to pick it up from his schoolmates ‘because he has a much better ear than his brother’. Say no more and let them draw their own conclusions as you smile pleasantly.
Q. Your column once discussed the best way of warding off unwelcome conversations in the close confinement of a flight. Having lost a substantial part of my hearing in early childhood, I discovered that a sudden sight of a hearing aid and a couple of unrelated answers, followed by a brief explanation of my misfortune, works wonders.
— I Z-W, by email
A. Thank you for contributing this practical solution. Frequent flyers who do not as yet need hearing aids can delight those friends who do by finding a use for their outdated models.
Q. What do you give as a wedding present to a couple who are perceived to ‘already have everything’? They have asked that guests who want to give something to make a charitable donation instead but I want to give them something that will make them think of me whenever they use it.
— Name and address withheld
A. Why not take a tip from the late Queen Mother and give swansdown pillows? No one can ever have enough swansdown pillows — the quality of sleep provided is exactly what is needed to refresh a member of the ruling classes.
Q. I am recovering from a life-threatening illness that caused my wife and family much distress. Our close friends and neighbours insist that we eat dinner in their house at least three times a week to ‘lighten the load’ for my wife. Whilst this is incredibly kind, I have noticed a severe lack of hygiene in their kitchen, and my doctor has told me to be careful about where and what I eat.
— Name and address withheld
A. Tell the kind family that your doctor has prescribed such an outlandish diet that you absolutely refuse to ask them to cook it for you. However, as you enjoy their company so much, would it be all right if you walked through the door three nights a week with your plate preloaded and consumed your dinner with them? With a minimal scattering of something like linseeds, beetroot rings and plain yoghurt on your dinner, the excuse will be plausible and you will spare their feelings.
dear mary your problems solved
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