Q. At a recent funeral wake I was horrified to see a man who did much to make my life a misery during my schooldays. I have no wish to see this man again or to have anything to do with him. My attempt at avoiding him at the wake was unsuccessful. Instead he made a point of confronting me in front of other people and telling them that we were schoolboy contemporaries. This is not the first occasion this has happened, but the time was not right to comment on the unhappiness he caused me. He knows that I don’t have an identical twin brother so I had to grit my teeth and indulge in small talk. I would be very grateful if you could suggest what I should do if, as I am sure will be the case, this situation arises again.
Name and address withheld
A. Next time you see the man, suspend your fear and hatred briefly and inquire, ‘Of course you and I were both bullied at school. With the benefit of hindsight, do you feel we might have handled it in a better way?’ This will give him the chance to make his belated apology to you. If he denies having been bullied himself, show dispassionate surprise. Say, ‘How strange! As adults we know that bullies have almost invariably been bullied themselves. Or they are frightened that they will be bullied so they pick on others in order to pre-empt that. What was it that caused you to bully me?’ Then stay silent while he searches his conscience.
Q. I wonder if you can help? I am a barrister in London. My practice is specialised and confined to a few dozen colleagues. We all know each other well. I have recently learnt that one of us has undergone a sex change. At the end of last year, when he was a man, we were on opposite sides in a case. We used to share chambers and, while not close friends, greeted each other warmly. The same case will give rise to professional contact in the next few weeks. She now dresses as a woman, and has a woman’s name. How should I deal with this? Instinctively I felt that I should ignore the sex-change. Or should I congratulate her?
C.H., London WC1
A. Greet her even more warmly than usual and say, ‘Great to see you again. You’re looking really well!’ This will be enough of an acknowledgement that you have clocked the difference and are pleased to see that she is clearly happy about it.
Q. As with G.W. of Marlborough (15 May), I also find myself confronted by the new practice of man-hugging that seems particularly popular with my South African and New Zealand friends and acquaintances. As an Australian, I still hold to the view that males are best greeted with a firm handshake, so I offer G.W. some advice from my mother who suggests that, as the prospective hugger approaches, you offer your right hand in the traditional handshake but intercept and grip his left wrist with your left hand and hold firmly. While this manoeuvre appears somewhat presidential, it at least prevents any untoward embrace and honour is saved for both.
Dr S.L.C., Singapore
A. Thank you. The manoeuvre your mother suggests is pleasingly ambiguous, combining some elements of a hug along with a rejection of privacy invasion.
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