Q. How can I road-test a potential lodger? I am under pressure from old friends who know that I live alone and am away a lot, and also that I have a spare room with a bathroom in my central London flat. They all seem to have children who cannot find anywhere affordable to live in London. I feel that it would be selfish not to let the room, but what if the young person turns out to be uncivilised? I have no children of my own, so I am probably out of date, but I still expect a bit of deference from someone 30 or more years younger than me. I am nervous of being landed with someone whose parents insist that they are meek and compliant, but who will bring people back, throw all-night parties etc. Most of all, I don’t want to fall out with the parents by falling out with the child. Any suggestions for filtering out the wrong ’uns, Mary?
—Name withheld, London SW7
A. Trick the mothers into revealing the teenagers’ true intentions with the following technique. Say that you have not yet decided whether to let out your spare room, but that you know of another being rented out affordably by a neighbour of yours. But how would the teenager feel about the conditions, i.e. not having hordes of people back, being immaculate and keeping a low profile? The wrong mothers will become indignant, expostulating that their teenager is only human and would expect to party or throw their weight about, especially if they are paying. The right mothers will retort that their teenager would be lucky not to be living in cardboard city and would certainly be fastidious and keep their head down. You will then know how to proceed.
Q. What to do when someone so models himself on Evelyn Waugh that you cannot phone his house in case he is working? It is his wife whom I wish to speak to — our children are friends — but he always answers. There is no signal where they live, so one cannot text and all arrangements about lifts and so on have to be made by telephone. I dread him answering because he is so angry. What would you suggest?
—S.C., Crediton
A. Bypass his bile by writing a normal message on your mobile and sending it as a voice text to his landline number. A robotic voice will convey the intelligence that you wish to speak to his wife regarding child arrangements and he will have no alternative but to ask her to ring you back.
Q. How should I pronounce ‘dovecote’?
—B.G., London SW11
A. Listen to the architectural historian Lucinda Lambton. It is doocootes in Scotland, ‘as in the fanciful confection in the Chinese style at Megginch in Perthshire’, and dovecotes in England ‘as in the 14th-century purity of Sibthorpe in Nottinghamshire’.
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