Q. I am in the lower sixth at school. The following problem arises quite frequently and I would like your advice. When we pupils go to get our lunch it is self-service and by the time you have loaded your tray you are in no mood to hang around with it before sitting down. What happens to me is that I often can’t see any of the other guys in my house and then I will sit down with some of the girls in my year but I won’t really have anything to say to them and then suddenly I will see the people I was looking for in the first place sitting quite nearby. At that point I can’t get up and move because it would be too rude. Do you have any suggestions as to how I could move without being rude?
Name withheld, Wiltshire
A. Let’s say one of the people you would ideally sit with is called John Smith. Always make sure you sit down with an empty space next to you. Then, as people come towards you with their trays asking, ‘Is anyone sitting there?’, you can reply ‘Do you mind if I save it for John Smith. I said I would sit with him for lunch.’ In no time one of the beady-eyed girls will say, ‘There’s John Smith! He’s sitting over there.’ At this point you can legitimately get up and move to John Smith’s table without causing offence. Adults may like to use this technique at wedding parties where hosts have been idiotic enough not to arrange named places. Too often in this case guests end up sitting, out of politeness, with the person with whom they have been talking when the call came to go through to the banqueting zone, and with whom they have exhausted all conversational potential.
Q. A terrible social climber I know who discarded me years ago as being of no further use to him has started asking me to parties again. Could this have something to do with the fact that my sister has married someone he wants to do business with? Now he sends her and her husband invitations with a note scribbled on the bottom saying that I am coming too. I do not like to be used as a Trojan horse to get to my sister’s husband. How can I let him know I am on to his game?
Name and address withheld
A. You could punish the climber by conspiring against him with your sister. For example, she could accept on behalf of herself but say that she is encouraging her husband to stay behind as it will give you two girls a chance to do some sisterly bonding of the sort you don’t normally get the chance to do since she married. She could deliver the message live and telephonically; pause for the spluttering reaction of frustration, then add, ‘Don’t worry. We were only teasing you. We would all like to come.’
Q. I like to read aloud to my teenage daughter but it would seem that almost every book written since the 1960s has swearing in it. How should I tackle the swear words? It does not give the right dramatic momentum if I leave them out.
N.G., Northants
A. Just say the first letter of each swear word. For example, ‘Take your effing hands off me you c.’ If the insult is double-barrelled this is clearly impossible so just substitute it with the phrase ‘stream of obscenities’. You are quite right not to let your daughter be confused by hearing crudities expressed within the bosom of the family.
If you have a problem write to Dear Mary, c/o The Spectator, 22 Old Queen Street, London SW1H 9HP.
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