Q. I knew that legal aid lawyers like myself were facing a difficult future, but I was caught somewhat off guard when a barrister colleague told me that she had just turned 40 and wondered if she were too old to ‘go on the game’ as an alternative career option. As she is a frequent opponent, I knew that anything short of honesty would undermine my credibility with her, and yet I did not want to be ungallant. I said that I thought she could manage it, but might have to specialise. Do you think I got it about right?
M.D.S., Gravesend, Kent
A. Congratulations on your intelligent response to this clearly rare presentation.
Q. A dear bachelor colleague has a problem with personal hygiene. Others are beginning to laugh at him behind his back — the main complaint is the ‘smell of frying onions’. How can I help without hurting his feelings?
E.S., London W11
A. Wear some cologne to work, then ask your friend what he thinks of it. Even if he fails to admire it, act daft and present him with a tightly wrapped package saying you have been given more bottles than you can use. Inside the package will lurk a deodorant from the same cosmetic house. ‘How did you find the cologne?’ you can ask. ‘Oh, it was a deodorant,’ he will reply. ‘Not cologne. Do you want it back?’ ‘Oh sorry. But do keep it. I have more than enough deodorants as well,’ you can claim. ‘You must try it,’ you can continue guilelessly, ‘because — do you ever feel you might be smelling of frying onions? I used to all the time and it completely stops that — you have to wash as well, of course.’ There should be no need to enlarge.
Q. In common with the husband of one of my wife’s best friends, I am a keen golfer. Said husband plays golf with me and two friends each weekend, usually for a small wager. My problem is — and I am afraid there is no pleasant way to say this — he is a cheat. His golf ball is prone to being kicked out of the rough and on to the short grass. Shots that are clearly heading ‘out of bounds’ are miraculously discovered in favourable spots. He seems unable to tally his score correctly at the completion of a hole. To make it worse he then brags about his winning score in the clubhouse afterwards. I am sure you are aware of the gravity of this charge. However, he is ruining the enjoyment of our group and matters might come to a head if he should win an important tournament in this way. How might I address this matter without damaging good relations between our respective spouses or provoking a libel action?
Name and address withheld
A. To avoid a scandal of the type which occurred in 1890 at Tranby Croft, conspire with the innocent players that next time you too will cheat, doing so so blatantly that a confederate can publicly accuse you. This will draw attention away from the real cheat. You can then chuckle childishly, and admit to the crime. In a variation of the Tranby Croft debacle you can all sign a document promising never to cheat at golf on pain of being blackballed from the club. In this way a frisson of rectitude will rush through the group along with a heightened awareness that any further malpractice will be noted and pounced upon.
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