Dear Mary… | 5 August 2006

Q. I am worried. I have to attend the banquet of a livery company so senior that white tie is the order of the day. I am now over 70 years old. My son-in-law, slenderer by far than me, has inherited my tailcoat. My hunt coat appears regularly at hunt balls, but is now worn, oh so elegantly, by a Joint Master, more my junior than I care to recall. I am staying at my club for the great night. I am not too concerned by the members. It’s the staff that worries me. You know what snobs club servants can be. When I enter the club with Moss Bros emblazoned all over the plastic suit cover, will I receive that look of cold contempt from the Hall Porter from which even the hardiest member shrinks? How can I avoid being made to feel so socially inadequate? Suggestions please, dear Mary.
A.D., address withheld

A. Simply shudder with shared revulsion as you hand the plastic packaging over to the porter. Remark that he’ll have to help you out since, in all of your 70 years of banquet attendance, this is the first occasion you have called on Moss Bros and are unfamiliar with the procedure for returning the borrowed goods. Can he arrange to do this for you in the morning? Do not enlarge further.
 
Q. My extremely kind father-in-law has extended his usual invitation to his daughter and myself to join him at his house in Ireland for a summer holiday. Traditionally this jaunt includes a couple of visits to an excellent (though by no means inexpensive) restaurant in the locality where he treats us handsomely. Unfortunately, during our last visit a new smoking ban drove my father-in-law outside for his customary post-prandial cigar.