Q. In response to correspondence re. wedding gifts: there is no need for a couple to have a list at John Lewis, and then translate gifts bought into vouchers — they should simply ask for John Lewis vouchers in the first place. This will save them the inconvenience of flogging around the store and, in their exhaustion, wildly listing things they will never use. Alternatively, stipulate an expensive item such as a Turkish carpet and suggest a donation to go towards that. The Turkish carpet option was requested at two weddings I have recently attended, and it did not strike a wrong note as we all knew where our money was going and that the couple would have a valuable item they could cherish for the rest of their lives.
— J.P., Pimlico
A. Thank you for your valued refinements. The expensive item solution works best when contributions can be ‘blind’, i.e. no one but the recipient knows the size of the individual donations.
Q. When given dinner by friends recently, I was presented with a plate which included a portion of lamb, cut from a joint into mouthful-size pieces. I put the first piece in my mouth and found it was mainly fat and gristle, so I chewed it and then removed it from my mouth with my fork and put it on the side of my plate. Every subsequent mouthful had the same texture and had to be jettisoned. The other diners finished their food, with no remains: my plate had a grey pile of chewed lamb which appeared larger than the original portion. My hostess cleared away without comment, but I was embarrassed. I had considered pocketing the offensive pile, but thought I lacked the sleight of hand to carry the manoeuvre off without detection. Should I have swallowed and risked gagging?
— P.W., address withheld
A. Next time try the following technique. Prepare the ball of gristle for expulsion by rolling it to the front of your mouth, then lightly wipe your face with your napkin and collect the gristle while so doing. Transfer to your pocket and repeat as necessary. Dispose of the pile in your hostess’s kitchen bin when her back is turned. When no napkin has been provided, knock a piece of cutlery clumsily off the table, duck down to retrieve it and spit the gristle into your hand.
Q. I fear my dinner parties have become a little stuffy. How do you suggest I might liven things up?
— A.B., address withheld
A. Having a civilised child at the table is always an advantage, particularly when coached to request a round of Chinese Whispers. The game is childish but pleasantly undemanding. It also allows for little frissons of physical excitement as guests must brush up against each other as they pass on the whisper. Stuffy people tend to adore being touched.
Comments