Q. A friend and I have been working in the new Eliot Reading Room of the London Library and are very pleased with it (the Ladies’ in particular is very swish) but there is one drawback. A bespectacled man of Chinese appearance is in everyday, chomping his way through packets of gum, and making the most annoying series of clacking and liquid chewing noises as he derives maximum oral satisfaction from his unsightly habit. As he is also plugged into his MP3 player, we assume he is blissfully unaware of the intolerable aural pollution he emits. Obviously we all feel like killing him, but do you have any better suggestions?
Name and address withheld
A. Your friend should take up a position at the same table as the offender. She too should chew gum loudly, making eye contact with him and smiling. After a few moments you should rise from a nearby table waving a rolled-up newspaper and making good-natured swipes at your friend’s head while pointing to her mouth. She should mime gestures of contrition and remove her gum into a tissue. Then, breaking the Reading Room’s rule of silence, she should lean towards her neighbour and whisper, ‘Sorry about that disturbance. I had no idea it was bad form to chew gum in the Reading Room. Had you?’
Q. Huge numbers of my friends seem to have flu at the moment which makes planning a dinner party very difficult. Just when you have settled on the eight or ten people and sorted out the seating plan someone will ring to say they have flu or someone else will ring to say they have recovered and can they come after all. The trouble is that the ones recovering outnumber the ones dropping out. Can you offer any guidance, Mary?
A.E., Pewsey, Wiltshire
A. In deb days there was a rule of thumb that 17 per cent of all guests invited to a party would be unable to attend. In boom years this went up to around 30 per cent as people were abroad or inundated with other invitations. In the downturn, however, you can assume a refusenik count of only 10 per cent. Parties are thinner on the ground and drinkers in particular will calculate that they can consume goods to the value of at least £30 a head (if champagne is involved) by accepting a dinner invitation. If you want to entertain ten people you must therefore ask only 11, bearing in mind that these days revellers will even stagger from their sickbeds to take advantage of the offer.
Q. I live in a well-organised street in Kensington, most of whose canine residents are walked in the park each day where their doings are collected and disposed of properly in the dog waste bins provided. Unfortunately, one of our neighbours is regularly seen blatantly allowing her pug to foul our pristine pavements and failing to clear up as she strolls vaguely along chatting on her mobile. How can we tactfully reprimand her without appearing to be petty busybodies?
Name withheld, London W8
A. Take advantage of her distraction as you rush up to her with a pooper scooping bag saying, ‘Do you want a bag — or have you already got one?’ When she turns in confusion to see the pug trotting normally along, and not crouching and quivering, you can say, ‘Oh, he’s changed his mind!’ You will still have got the message across and your kind gesture cannot cause offence.
If you have a problem write to Dear Mary, c/o The Spectator, 22 Old Queen Street, London SW1H 9HP.
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