Mary Killen Mary Killen

Dear Mary | 9 May 2009

Your problems solved

issue 09 May 2009

Q. I am spending the weekend with an old friend. She has a policy of putting clean sheets on her spare beds on Mondays, ‘and I don’t change them again until the following week, whatever happens’. I happen to know that this week has been busy for her and I cannot face the idea of having to get into an already slept-in bed. Don’t suggest I take my own pillowcase as she is likely to wake me with an early morning cup of tea.

Name and address withheld

A. When shown to your room, fling your stuff carelessly onto the bed allowing a small, half-full screwtop bottle of Evian water to be seen poking from your bag. Once alone, unscrew the top and position the bottle so that a few mls of water will leak into the bed — just enough to soak a key area of pillowcase and sheet but not through to the underblanket. Then, at a convenient moment before bedtime, declare yourself an utter chump as you announce you have just been to your room to find you have spilt some bottled water into your bed. ‘Lead me to the linen cupboard,’ you can say. ‘I absolutely insist on remaking it myself.’

Q. I was shocked to read your advice that the word ‘toilet’ is now acceptable. Please explain, Mary.

Name withheld, Wiltshire

A. Perhaps it is necessary to outline the background leading to the acceptability of ‘toilet’. It happened around 1980 when all ranks of society began to go to the same schools. All children understood the word ‘toilet’, while only some understood the word ‘loo’. Consequently adults fell into the habit of saying toilet when their child’s schoolfriends came to parties, etc. In your own home, of course, you will be using the term ironically, but at service stations, cinemas etc, it will be necessary to use it for practical if not for camouflage purposes.

Q. I have a friend who, although by his own admission is badly behaved and old enough to know better, generally considers himself to know correct form. He does, however, have butter between his biscuit and his cheese. I have always been led to believe that this is non-U. I am not perfect, Mary, and have been known to smoke my pipe in the bath. Which do you consider to be the most heinous faux-pas?

A.J.W., Cheltenham, Gloucestershire

A. Neither falls quite into the category of faux-pas. Pipe-smoking, however, probably causes the greater social offence, to those inclined to take it, as it involves exposing others to fumes, fire risks and even, through passive inhalation, to health risks. There was a time when butter with cheese would have been considered a coup de gross (sic), but in today’s nanny state it is quite refreshing to see someone cocking a snook at health and safety by eating two doses of cholesterol at the same time. Indeed the gesture could even be seen as admirable.

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