Dear Mary: How appropriate is it to send a Christmas card with the word ‘merry’ to a widow? 

Q. Six years ago a rather glamorous man bought the house opposite me. Although he always responds to requests for contributions to the residents’ committee, he has yet to attend a meeting or garden party. We know he lives alone and, according to his otherwise discreet servant, there are no other visitors to the house. How can I satisfy my curiosity and let him see that I am an affable sort of person with whom he would certainly like to be friends?
— Name withheld, London SW3

A. Next time you know he is in the house, why not ‘accidentally’ damage the wing mirror of his car? Wing mirrors, like dislocated shoulders, can be easily relocated, but pretend you do not know this and turn up on his doorstep to apologise and offer to pay for the damage. Insist that he comes to your house for a drink so that you can apologise properly. One reason why he has not attended the meetings may be the fear, as a single man, of being swamped by invitations. However if you are, as you say, affable, perhaps he will be less anxious once he has got the measure of you.

Q. I have been sending a couple a Christmas card every year since I’ve known them, but in the later part of this year the husband died. Is it tactless to send a card to his widow, even eschewing adjectives such as ‘merry’, ‘happy’ or ‘joyful’? If not, doesn’t one risk her feeling forgotten or deleted from one’s list?
— K.B.P., Caterham

A. Instead of a traditional Christmas card, why not send a greeting-free version, purchased from a museum shop or art gallery, and showing an appropriate seasonal image? Sign it ‘with loving thoughts’.