Dear Mary: how can we stop friends inviting ‘locals’ to their house party?

Q. At my request, a friend arranged an invitation to lunch at an exclusive sporting club in a well-known resort. The friend did not accompany us, and on arrival my wife and I discovered our host to be a very senior member of the club and we were expected to join him at his own table. As lunch drew to a close and conversation flagged, I asked if I could walk around and inspect the various pictures of celebrity members, sportsmen, statesmen etc, which adorned the walls. In the course of my peregrination I was recognised by other club members who were eager to engage me in conversation. After a while my wife came up to me and told me our host was becoming annoyed at my absence. I hastened back to the table, but too late: from then on – and despite my apologies – our host was visibly frosty. As my letter of thanks and apologies remains unacknowledged, the holiday season approaches and another encounter may threaten, Mary, I seek your advice.

– G.A, Miami

A. You assumed that familiarity with other members would act as a form of endorsement – but a member of Palm Beach’s Bath & Tennis Club has kindly stepped in to clarify the protocol in an ‘exclusive sporting club’. She writes: ‘Old-fashioned clubs are a big deal. Hierarchy within matters. As a guest you are obliged to take your social cues from your host. Disappearing from your table and enjoying the opportunity to chat to other members, for a length of time that was awkward enough for your wife to feel the disapproval from your host, was a cardinal sin. Your obvious pleasure in meeting so many friends with whom you preferred to chat was bad manners, plain and simple. My guess is you will not be asked again and therefore your present concern will be resolved.