Q. Is it acceptable to admit that you don’t ‘do’ anything? Or should one pretend to be writing a book or attending a course at the V&A or some such? I am afraid I just play bridge all day and sometimes I even go abroad to do it.
— Name and address withheld
A. So long as you are not playing the game online, and have to get yourself up and dressed and go out and about to play, then freely admit to it. Those in religious orders who ‘just’ pray have no qualms about admitting it. The mental gym aspects of bridge-playing could accredit it as positive intellectual exercise. Bridge can also be praised because it promotes social cohesion of the sort not revolving around vested interests. Many friendships are symbiotic — based on shared school runs or job advancement — but bridge allows you to meet friends from a wider, less predictable sphere. If you feel guilty about not generating commercial gain from your activity, then assuage your conscience by giving the occasional lesson for which you charge.
Q. I am at university and am going to have a car next term. How can I make sure that people I give lifts to don’t just think, ‘Oh she was going anyway’ — and fail to offer me money towards petrol?
— Name and address withheld
A. Start as you mean to go on. When someone asks for a lift say ‘Yeah. Great, that’s fine. Let’s get as many people as possible so we can all share the cost of the petrol and then it will be much cheaper for all of us.’ In this way you set down the expectation that contributions are expected. If passengers still resist, have a reliable friend in the car primed to say, ‘Does anyone want to give me cash and I will put our share of the petrol onto my bank card?’
Q. We have a cleaner who is not straightforward. This weekend she broke one of a pair of cut-glass vases when clearing the table after lunch and I happened to find it in the bin. I feel it was deceitful of her not to tell me but my son defends her, saying she may not have realised it was valuable. How can I insist that she owns up to all future breakages without causing her to feel humiliated in some way?
— Name withheld, Kent
A. Put your cleaner at her ease by saying, ‘I must apologise for something I completely forgot to tell you about.’ Then explain that your insurance company now requires photographic evidence of all breakages before they will settle your claims. Say ‘Do tell me straight away if you find that anything has been broken around the house so I can quickly take a shot of it on my iPhone — even if you think it is something that could not possibly be valuable. I will get into trouble if a proper inventory is not kept.’
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