There is just something innately funny about seeing Keir Starmer and Donald Trump together. Two men so obviously different; in character, interests, ability and shape, forced together by circumstance. Watching them at the press conference today was no exception. They put me in mind of Bialystock and Bloom from The Producers: the bombastic Broadway shyster and his hapless sinusitis-suffering goon.
First, for their ‘business roundtable’, they sat together behind a comically small table inside a marquee, which made them look like an unlikely scoring partnership at a village cricket match or as if they were signing the registers at a low-budget gay wedding. Alternatively, they looked a bit like they were appearing on a Radio 4 panel show. I can think of a title: Don’t mention Mandy! Two statesmen have to get through an Anglo-American bilateral summit without mentioning the sacking of a certain ambassador just last week for high-profile nonce-adjacency!
Sir Keir spoke first, about the substance of the deal that they were about to sign, but also gave himself a series of pats on the back for having achieved it. ‘It comes down to leaders who respect each other, to leaders who genuinely like each other.’ At this point the Prime Minister gave the President a weird sort of tap on his shoulder which I think was meant to be affectionate. Donald smiled a smile which might have been a Cheshire Cat grin or could have been the sort of smile a Mafia boss gives when he makes a note to have someone killed for a minor slight.
When it came to his turn, Trump repeated that it was the first time there had been a second state visit, three times, which was numerically quite confusing. Then again, so much of how the President operates comes down to his truly bizarre use of the English language. It’s almost hypnotic. Again the contrast with Sir Keir couldn’t be clearer. Starmer speaks in robotic, staccato sentences. Everything. Is. Designed. To. Sound. Like. A. Safety. Briefing. In contrast Mr Trump embarks on long sweeping sentences, beautiful sentences, often with an aside about something that a lot of people don’t realise, which is OK, before ending up on a subject completely different from where he started.
Certain words were used by Trump again and again – ‘beautiful’, in particular. Things the President believed were beautiful varied from Her Majesty Queen Camilla, Sir Keir Starmer’s renovation of Chequers and the British aerospace industry. He did speak briefly about the deal before going into one of his meandering concertos of consciousness about the things that made America the ‘hottest country in the world’. Awkwardly for Sir Keir, one of these was getting the border under control. As he did so, the PM sat there, going both pink and grey at once, like a condemned tin of luncheon meat. Still, Donald eventually came into land with a final nod to Britain and, as if by magic, folders appeared for the men to sign, the Prime Minister with the Parker pen which he doubtless got for free for just enquiring and the President with a massive Sharpie.
After lunch, the unlikely duo hosted a press conference in front of a Jacobean fireplace and enough national flags to make Emily Thornberry squirm. The President thanked British subjects for their condolences following Charlie Kirk’s murder, and spoke of Vladimir Putin as if he were a philandering ex: ‘He’s let me down. He’s really let me down.’
Finally a reporter invoked the Mandy-shaped elephant
Bev Turner of GB News asked the Prime Minister a question about Christianity – which in fairness is one of the few beliefs Sir Keir has never professed to hold. But perhaps not for much longer; the avowed atheist spoke of being christened and the importance of the Church of England throughout his life. Given how desperate his domestic situation is, perhaps a conversion is on the cards. To paraphrase Voltaire on his deathbed when asked to denounce the devil: ‘Now is not the time to be making enemies’.
Turner also asked a question about the free speech situation in Britain – a subject which triggers palpable discomfort in the PM, who always reaches for the same identically-worded answer. ‘We have had free speech in Britain for a long time,’ he droned, inevitably, through his nose. For what it’s worth, I don’t think this is quite the defence Sir Keir perceives it to be, especially coming from him. After all, we’ve had agriculture since probably the Bronze age and he seems pretty determined to destroy that.
Finally a reporter invoked the Mandy-shaped elephant in the room. President Trump having denied ever knowing his former ambassador, the question passed to Sir Keir, who shuffled his notes and gave another answer that sounded like it had been dictated by a solicitor or crisis-comms team. ‘New information came to light,’ he snapped. ‘It’s very straightforward!’ Luckily for him, there were no supplementary questions.
It was all smiles, but I suspect the Donald knows that next time he comes to visit his favourite foreign country, it might well be someone else meeting him off the plane.
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