‘Imagine Trump doing Brexit — what would he do?’ asked the Foreign Secretary, Boris Johnson, at that dinner which was recorded and leaked to Buzzfeed. ‘There’d be all sorts of breakdowns, all sorts of chaos. Everyone would think that he’d gone mad. But you might actually get somewhere.’
Well, let’s imagine. What follows, brought to you by Destiny Media, is Part I of how Prime Minister Donald J. Trump might negotiate and tweet his way through Britain’s withdrawal from the European Union.
June 24, 2016
5 a.m. The votes are in and Britain has elected to leave the European Union. Prime Minister Trump leaves Downing Street and calls a special press conference at his golf course, Turnberry, in Scotland.
7.15 a.m. The Prime Minister arrives by helicopter and puts on a Make Turnberry Great Again baseball cap. ‘This is a beautiful, beautiful day,’ says Trump. ‘I’m going to be honest with you, it’s historic and I think if wasn’t for me this wouldn’t have happened. I think I did this, it’s true. We took our country back. It’s very special. My mother was Scottish. Boy, she loved the Queen. I think she would be looking down today, so proud.’
A reporter asks how Scots are meant to feel proud since the majority of them voted to remain in the EU. ‘BBC?’ replies Trump. ‘I thought so. Fake news. I think the people of Scotland are going to be very happy.’ He then references Braveheart: ‘A great film, some say the greatest. I’m not sure I agree. But historic.’
Trump explains to reporters how the European Union tried to prevent him developing his Irish golf course, Doonbeg. ‘These people are nasty people. They are tough but they don’t understand how to negotiate. I do.’ He points to the newly elevated 14th tee at Turnberry and says: ‘Look at that tee, so beautiful, elevated. We are going to do that with a whole country now. I’m going to call it Freedom Day. I like that. I do.’
2.15 p.m. Details of a special Brexit cabinet are revealed on Twitter. Nigel Farage, Trump declares, will be Foreign Secretary, and Piers Morgan Freedom Minister.
8 a.m. As Donald Trump leaves Downing Street, a reporter asks him if he will be triggering Article 50. ‘Absolutely not. Article 15 is a disaster. I disavow.’
2 p.m. Freedom Minister Piers Morgan publishes a statement explaining why Prime Minister Trump is never going to trigger Article 50. ‘Read The Art of the Deal and you’ll understand,’ says Morgan. ‘It’s all about leverage.’
Prime Minister’s Questions. Answering a question from the Right Honourable Jeremy Corbyn about school meals, Trump replies: ‘I may trigger Article 50. Maybe. I dunno. It’s interesting. Maybe I don’t trigger and then you say to me in five months, “Hey Donald, why didn’t you trigger Article 50?” We’ll see.’
Trump stuns the world by releasing his Taking Our Country Back Bill. Its key points include:
The Democratic Unionist Party announces a special Easter Trump Parade to honour Britain’s Prime Minister.
Donald Tusk, Guy Verhofstadt and Jean-Claude Juncker meet Prime Minister Trump in Downing Street for emergency talks.
7 p.m. Some of the conversation is leaked to Der Spiegel and published online.
Juncker: ‘Mr President, please be reasonable.’
Trump: ‘You seem like a good guy.’
Verhofstadt: ‘In Belgium, we admire men of business, men who get things done …’
Trump: ‘I’ve always said Belgium was one of the best companies, maybe in the world. So many assets. Belgium, great leadership.’
The actor Benedict Cumberbatch is arrested for assaulting Freedom Minister Piers Morgan on Whitehall. It is revealed that Cumberbatch, Alastair Campbell, Lily Allen and Richard Branson are part of a secret STOP TRUMP cell, who have been meeting regularly at the offices of the pop-up pro-remain newspaper, the New European.
9 a.m. Standing outside Downing Street, Trump announces he will be pausing Brexit until further notice: ‘We’re going to do a deal. I’m a great negotiator.’ He also announces that he will be meeting Francois Hollande and Angela Merkel for a ‘Make Europe Great Again’ summit in Ireland, at his Doonbeg Golf Course, on August 5.
Doonbeg, Ireland. Trump, Hollande and Merkel talk for two hours. As they walk out of the clubhouse, Trump is overheard telling the German Chancellor that she has ‘amazing skin’. He then tells reporters: ‘It’s going very well. I think we are going to sign something right now, as a matter of fact. We may even stay in Europe but it won’t be called Europe any more.’
Trump’s press team circulates a video he showed to Merkel and Hollande on an iPad, directed by Guy Ritchie. ‘Is this the future?’ says the narrator, Ray Winston, over the top of black-and-white footage of Nazi troops marching through Paris. ‘Or is this?’ The footage changes to show a happy Scottish boy playing golf, a happy French boy playing the piano and a fat German girl eating a strudel. ‘Three leaders,’ says Winston. ‘Two Futures. One destiny. Make it happen.’
4 p.m. At a press conference, Trump talks of his deep love of Germany. ‘I’m from German stock,’ he says. ‘It’s in my blood. I understand the people. The Nazis they did some bad things, but, like they say, they always made the trains work.’
Freedom Minister Morgan informs the press that Trump hasn’t slept for four days. ‘He just keeps going,’ says Morgan. ‘The man is superhuman.’
7 p.m. Trump flies home.
The FTSE 100 Index soars, hitting its highest point in a millennium. Financial analysts can’t begin to understand why. Prime Minister Donald Trump takes credit.
Police are searching for the Sunday Times journalist Tim Shipman, who hasn’t been seen for three days. Shipman, who is writing a book about Brexit entitled Summer Madness, was last spotted in the Westminster Arms pub, murmuring that ‘nothing makes any sense’.
2 p.m. Standing outside Downing Street, Trump announces that his government will renationalise the railways and privatise the National Health Service. ‘We’re taking our country back,’ he says. Trump outlines plans for an extensive new high-speed rail network, which he says the European Union will pay for. ‘There’s a lot of work to do,’ says Trump, refusing to take any questions. Freedom Minister Morgan confirms that Trump hasn’t slept for 16 days. ‘He keeps fighting,’ says Morgan. ‘He’s more energetic than ever.’
2.45 p.m. Jean-Claude Juncker, visibly drunk, confirms that special European Central Bank funds will cover the costs of Britain’s new £35 billion rail system, but adds that he hopes Britain will now remain part of the European Union.