In Competition No. 2513 you were invited to submit a Spectator Love Bug ad for a well-known literary character. I was hoping for such comic gems as grace the compellingly quirky lonely-hearts column in the London Review of Books: ‘Eager-to-please woman, 36, seeks domineering man to take advantage of her flagging confidence. Tell me I’m pretty and watch me cling’. This potentially suicidal self-deprecation produces ads that are both hilarious and touching — and apparently successful from time to time.
What woman could fail to be won over by Quasimodo’s honesty, courtesy of John Plowman: ‘You say personality matters more than looks? Well, I’m your man. Brought up in an ecclesiastical family, I’m down-to-earth (almost prehensile) and Cyclopean (didn’t do Nelson any harm)…’. The winners, printed below, get £25; I’m first in the queue, pliant and placid, for bonus-fiver recipient D.A. Prince’s Beowulf.
Readers have asked about the whereabouts of Jaspistos, who was last heard of in hospital. He is now at home, but will be unable to resume his stewardship of this column. He sends his warmest greetings to all competitors and his thanks for the pleasure you have given him for 30 years.
Raider of troll-nests and slaughterer of sea-brutes seeks to gladden his heart with hearth-warmer and home-helper, balm for the beast-world and make-peace against monsters. Done with the death-dealers and heapers of havoc, I yearn for a yielder, a long-haired leman for all that makes merry and fires lusty loins. Determined and doughty, I do down the deadly and wreck the hall-breakers, the monsters from mere-lands. Mighty ’mong most men I stand tall as tree-tops, can match men in mead-halls and cheer cherished champions. Gifted with gold I can fashion your fortune; you will be willing and winsome and woman, indoor endearer and silent as swansdown. I am the hall-voice and you are the hearer — Denmark/anywhere; travel treads lightly. Heroes are heaven-given; give yourself to me, pliant and placid, on Voicebox 1234.
D.A Prince
Short, compact, eloquently rapsodoosical though slightly skeptacious, literary sort — widely travelled (Port Burdock, Sturry-on-the-Stour, Fishbourne, Ashington, Gilhampton, Maidstone, etc.), keen on watching cricket, Shakespeare, ‘Bocashieu’, Longfellow and similar such (other than Chaucer) WLTM chirpy, chubby, cheerful, chatty charmer seeking someone with amazing History (adept phrasemonger and lover of allitrition) to share larks with. Colourful past capers include zealacious commerciality as gent’s outfitters assistant and shopkeeper, beastly matrimonials, bicycling, boating, punting and arson. Youthful ambitions involved riding bareback on mustang in moonlight over prairies shooting bears, making necklaces from teeth and claws for chief’s daughter, spearing lions through the heart with a sharpened stake, deep-sea diving and storming fortresses, but happy now to settle for sitting on stone walls and stiles watching good Sussex sunsets and things. Am I your sort? If so, call me now: Mr Polly, c/o The Potwell Inn, Sussex.
Alan Millard
Playwright, nothing to declare but his genius, WLTM young panther for luncheon and perhaps more. Important he is earnest, endowed with discretion or just endowed. Love of exploration would be as desirable as exploration of love. Appetite for travel, especially in North Africa, would appeal, as would fluency in French, though other lingual skills would be deemed even more pleasing. No pugilists, please, or hearts incapable of serving celebrity. Talents such as appreciation of fine wines and cigars will be happily shared in proportion to the size of a friend’s commitment and where such size is exceptional, rewards will be exceptional too. The young panther will serve Art by his patience in its creation, and by his potence in recreation.
Frank McDonald
Established consulting detective, solvent, 40s, resident W1, slim build, aquiline features, wry sense of humour, cultivated but non-gregarious, specialist in hypothetico-deductive method, crack shot, seeks female companion. The advertiser candidly admits to some unconventional ways (he is exceedingly fond of disguise, for example) but he is free from animus in the matter of nationality and Middle-European ladies with a record of intrigue who wish to apply should not be discouraged. Some experience of dealing with sufferers from bipolar disorder would be a significant advantage. An interest in any of the following areas — criminology, violin music, the taxonomy of cigar ash, nocturnal canine behaviour, pipesmoking and intravenous drug use — would be more than welcome. Together we can reason out the puzzle of romance and determine the solution. It’s elementary.
Basil Ransome-Davies
Substantial, successful self-made gentleman (NSOH) with interests in spheres political, commercial and cultural, and key to a commensurately wide social network, WLTM socially advantageous, volatile woman with a penchant for administering humiliation. I enjoy fine dining (though my digestion is not good and I cannot abide having sugar at table), attending to such affairs of state as are put my humble way, and broadly supporting the efforts of Mr Stalin; so, I trust, shall you. Encumbered only by my splendid if elderly mother, roots in the fertiliser business and certain hush-hush commitments about which it would be impolite to discourse upon at this juncture, I might even go so far as to suggest that here is an opportunity for a lucky lady to become a luckier lady. I shall say no more.
Adrian Fry
Craggy northern landowner, 50s, widower, good businessman but on the wild side, might LTM ethereal, passionate young girl, Kate Bush fan perhaps, interested in visiting old haunts, must like open countryside, roaring fires, conversation limited but good listener, exotic background, fond of dogs, owns two properties, manservant available, relatives but only for time being, prepared to travel as far as Gimmerton and no further, no lawyers, no church or chapel, no books. No ‘ladies’ need apply; no tourism; n/s; gbh maybe; nsoh please. Yks. Call me now, if you dare, on 0906 644 6844. Ask for Mrs Dean.
Bill Greenwell
Competition No. 2516: Pseuds’ corner
The Turner Prize is looming. You are invited to submit a review by a particularly pretentious art critic of a piece of conceptual art (150 words maximum). Entries to ‘Competition 2516’ by 11 October or email lucy@spectator.co.uk.
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