The excellent manager of Ukraine, Andriy Shevchenko, is a member of the SDP. The Ukrainian version, of course, but very similar to our own, given that they never win anything. Andriy himself stood for parliament but lost – remarkable as he is the most famous footballer in his country’s history. This makes me like him. We are also four-square behind his country when it comes to their overBearing, criminal neighbour, no? I will buy the notion that the Crimea belongs historically to Russia only if they accept that going back still further, Russia belongs to Ukraine: Kievan Rus!
Another night of terror beckons. Clawed wrists and choking on Doritos. Our record against Ukraine is patchy; we find them difficult opponents. A swift, counter-attacking side when they are at their best. My prediction is 2-1 to England: it is about time we conceded a goal. Please, horseface, don’t leave it too late to bring on Grealish and Sancho. Please don’t try Foden again: it hasn’t worked, oddly. And tell Maguire and Stones to watch those crosses – that’s how Ukraine score. Oh God. It could well be 1-2.
But what a pleasure to see Portugal, Germany and France out, no? My guess is that the winners tonight will play Italy in the final. The cheating, diving, Italians. The way to stop them doing that, by the way, is to kick them really hard so that no play-acting is involved. Render them all Immobile.