Lucy Vickery

Exit strategy

In Competition No. 2945 you were invited to suggest remarks guaranteed to get rid of a guest who is outstaying his or her welcome.

Leading the pack as surefire ways to get lingering guests reaching for their coats were birth videos, Estonian whisky, Stockhausen, didgeridoo recitals and Rolf Harris’s greatest hits. Also popular were suggestions along the lines of Basil Ransome-Davies’s ‘While you’re here, how about a spot of anal sex?’ and Tracy Davidson ‘Fancy a threesome?’, both of which struck me as somewhat risky. If all else fails, there’s always Graham Pirnie’s admirably uncompromising ‘Fuck off you boring old cow/git.’Those printed below are rewarded with £5 apiece.

Can anyone else smell gas?
Right, time to get the vuvuzelas out.
Do you want to hear my party piece? I’ve memorised π to 999 places. It’s 3.1415926535897932384626433…
Nicholas Hodgson
I’ve got this really rare recording of the whole text of Beowulf chanted in Anglo-Saxon — it should be perfect at this time of night.
Brian Murdoch
Enoch was right!
The FA haven’t got a clue, have they? Sven twists them round his little finger while shagging everything in sight, Fabio takes the money and runs, after the Wally with the brolly makes us a laughing stock, then Woy comes along waving the flag and still any side that’s really trying can murder us. That’s 50 years of hurt now. What do you reckon?
I think my wife’s upstairs committing suicide, stupid cow.
Basil Ransome-Davies
That’s my third cousin thrice removed; he’s like me, yes? He was at 12 Stanley Road, Livingstone in 1891, or maybe vice versa; hang on, I’ll bring up the census.
What’s your wife’s name again, something mannish I wager.
Sandra’s just been to the garage and she swears she saw your babysitter there.
Bill Greenwell

I haven’t played this thing for donkey’s years.

Already a subscriber? Log in

Keep reading with a free trial

Subscribe and get your first month of online and app access for free. After that it’s just £1 a week.

There’s no commitment, you can cancel any time.


Unlock more articles



Don't miss out

Join the conversation with other Spectator readers. Subscribe to leave a comment.

Already a subscriber? Log in